Capitalist
12-06-2004, 06:21 PM
This is from Wendy McElroy, and I think it is germane to discussions today. Excerpted from 'The Reasonable Woman: A Guide to Intellectual Survival'
A lot of people cause themselves headaches and grief by getting into conversations that, upon reflection, they know should have been avoided. They get into arguments they cannot win and in which nothing can be accomplished. They go away with pounding temples or an upset stomach, and a lurking sense of unease. There are all sorts of ways that people do harm to themselves, because they go away with a bad self-image as being intellectually inept.
In preparing to argue -- and, perhaps, as an argument commences -- the most important question you can ask yourself is 'what do I want out of this exchange?' Stop for a second and ask yourself what you expect to accomplish from this discussion. Instead of taking a 'what the hell' attitude and plunging thoughtlessly in, clarify to yourself why you are there, why you are talking to this particular person.
Everyone Has the Right to Be Uninterested
When you are trapped in an unpleasant or boring conversation, you are well within your rights to state, "I don't care to talk about this (or to you) further." Make the statement without hostility, as a matter of fact, then simply walk away.
No one has an unconditional claim on your time or on your attention. And the assumption that you should care about every issue and event in the world at all times is a ridiculous one. It leads to the intellectual equivalent of what the media has termed "compassion fatigue" -- the emotional state of being overwhelmed and short-circuited by the demand that you care about every injustice committed on the planet. Don't allow yourself to be intellectually overwhelmed by the unrealistic demand that you find everything and everyone interesting.
Everyone Has the Right Not to Understand
Most of us spend a lot of time trying to avoid uttering the sentence, "I don't understand what you are saying." Too often, people see this statement as an admission of ignorance or inadequacy on their own part rather than considering the likelihood that the other person is either not explaining things well or holds a position that makes no sense.
Even if the intellectual ball is being dropped on your side of the discussion, what of it? No one understands everything, and it is folly to pretend you do. There is a vast difference between being confused about a line of argument and being stupid. The fear of appearing stupid frequently underlies our reluctance to admit that we simply do not understand what is being said.
Do not apologize. Just ask whoever is peaking to repeat or to rephrase what has been said. Ask them to clarify what they mean. Most people are more than happy to expound at length in front of an attentive audience.
Everyone Has the Right to Be Uninformed
This point of intellectual etiquette is closely related to, but distinct from, the preceding one. Rather than feeling unable to understand what is being said -- either because the terminology is technical or the arguments are tangled -- you are confronted with an issue you know nothing about.
Again, what of it? No one can know everything. In fact, in a world exploding with information, there are certain to be vast areas of human knowledge about which you are absolutely ignorant. There will always be books you have not read and events you have not heard about. The worst thing you can do is to become embarrassed and fake knowledge you do not possess. Instead, exercise the intellectual right to say, "I am not familiar with that. Why don't you explain it to me?"
Everyone Has the Right to Make a Mistake
This is far more than a right. It is an inevitability. You will commit errors, and frequently. If this upsets you, then curse human nature. As a human being, you are a fallible creature without the godlike automatic knowledge of what is true and false, right and wrong. Yet many people will argue themselves (and everyone else) into the ground or into a
A lot of people cause themselves headaches and grief by getting into conversations that, upon reflection, they know should have been avoided. They get into arguments they cannot win and in which nothing can be accomplished. They go away with pounding temples or an upset stomach, and a lurking sense of unease. There are all sorts of ways that people do harm to themselves, because they go away with a bad self-image as being intellectually inept.
In preparing to argue -- and, perhaps, as an argument commences -- the most important question you can ask yourself is 'what do I want out of this exchange?' Stop for a second and ask yourself what you expect to accomplish from this discussion. Instead of taking a 'what the hell' attitude and plunging thoughtlessly in, clarify to yourself why you are there, why you are talking to this particular person.
Everyone Has the Right to Be Uninterested
When you are trapped in an unpleasant or boring conversation, you are well within your rights to state, "I don't care to talk about this (or to you) further." Make the statement without hostility, as a matter of fact, then simply walk away.
No one has an unconditional claim on your time or on your attention. And the assumption that you should care about every issue and event in the world at all times is a ridiculous one. It leads to the intellectual equivalent of what the media has termed "compassion fatigue" -- the emotional state of being overwhelmed and short-circuited by the demand that you care about every injustice committed on the planet. Don't allow yourself to be intellectually overwhelmed by the unrealistic demand that you find everything and everyone interesting.
Everyone Has the Right Not to Understand
Most of us spend a lot of time trying to avoid uttering the sentence, "I don't understand what you are saying." Too often, people see this statement as an admission of ignorance or inadequacy on their own part rather than considering the likelihood that the other person is either not explaining things well or holds a position that makes no sense.
Even if the intellectual ball is being dropped on your side of the discussion, what of it? No one understands everything, and it is folly to pretend you do. There is a vast difference between being confused about a line of argument and being stupid. The fear of appearing stupid frequently underlies our reluctance to admit that we simply do not understand what is being said.
Do not apologize. Just ask whoever is peaking to repeat or to rephrase what has been said. Ask them to clarify what they mean. Most people are more than happy to expound at length in front of an attentive audience.
Everyone Has the Right to Be Uninformed
This point of intellectual etiquette is closely related to, but distinct from, the preceding one. Rather than feeling unable to understand what is being said -- either because the terminology is technical or the arguments are tangled -- you are confronted with an issue you know nothing about.
Again, what of it? No one can know everything. In fact, in a world exploding with information, there are certain to be vast areas of human knowledge about which you are absolutely ignorant. There will always be books you have not read and events you have not heard about. The worst thing you can do is to become embarrassed and fake knowledge you do not possess. Instead, exercise the intellectual right to say, "I am not familiar with that. Why don't you explain it to me?"
Everyone Has the Right to Make a Mistake
This is far more than a right. It is an inevitability. You will commit errors, and frequently. If this upsets you, then curse human nature. As a human being, you are a fallible creature without the godlike automatic knowledge of what is true and false, right and wrong. Yet many people will argue themselves (and everyone else) into the ground or into a