View Full Version : Clean Jokes for Bored FX traders
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick to hi chamber.The moral of the story - P\alwasy pay your dues.
a story with a title like that will always get my attention!!
:)
Resort plans nude "anything goes" party
Thu Nov 13, 2008 9:42am EST
CANBERRA (Reuters) - An Australian holiday resort will hold a month-long, nude "anything goes" party to combat an expected economic downturn, media reports said on Thursday.
"Tough economic times call for stiff measures," Tony Fox, the owner of the White Cockatoo resort in Mossman, in tropical Queensland state, told the Courier-Mail newspaper.
"It will be a hedonism resort, where anything goes for a month. It doesn't take rocket science to work out what it means," Fox said, naming March as the risque party month.
The controversial "clothes optional" resort made headlines three years ago when police were called to end partner-swapping parties after a swathe of public complaints.
"You've got to wonder what sort of people go and why. Where is the moral code of behavior and how do you stop jealousies and fights?" Cairns Catholic Bishop James Foley said after Fox's announcement.
But local regional Mayor Val Schier said she was not opposed to the event as long as no laws were broken.
"People in tropical north Queensland are extraordinarily creative," Schier said. "It is tough economic times and as long as it is with consenting adults, then there is no problem."
Australia's tourism in industry is being hit hard by global economic turmoil with official figures showing a 7.6 percent decline in overseas visitors in September.
Industry leaders expect holiday bookings may drop by up to a third in early 2009 and are planning a new international advertising campaign to coincide with the movie "Australia" starring Oscar-winning actress Nicole Kidman.
Fox said his resort was almost fully booked for the month-long rainforest party.
(Reporting by Rob Taylor, editing by Miral Fahmy)
http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSTRE4AC4QA20081113
lol 'stiff' measures at the Cockatoo
you tell me this after I've already been to QLD twice this year....:confused:
;+)
LONDON fertility clinics have reported up to a third of sperm donors are now foreigners and many are visitors from Down Under.
http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,24646473-953,00.html
Spider on the Staircase Technique?
http://charts.dacharts.com/2008-11-13/sctr__1.png
.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says, "What are your doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Sydney too, I want to see how well you can live on $800 a year".
.
http://walkingturtlesoftware.org/Turtles_Collection/ani_gif/turtle9.gif
A turtle was on his way home when he was attacked by a mob of Snails. So the turtle goes to the Police station to report it and the policeman asks the turtle to explain what happened, to which the turtle replied. "Well I'm not sure, it all happened so fast".
LONDON – A virtual affair is ending a real-life marriage in southwest England.
Amy Taylor filed for divorce when she discovered her husband cheating in Second Life — an online community where players adopt personas called avatars, mingle with others and teleport themselves into a series of artificial worlds.
"I caught him cuddling a woman on a sofa in the game," Taylor told the South West News Service press agency. "It looked really affectionate. He confessed he'd been talking to this woman player in America for one or two weeks, and said our marriage was over and he didn't love me any more."
The online drama shows how emotionally invested some people have become in their virtual identities, said Ellen Helsper, a researcher at the Oxford Internet Institute who has studied the impact of the Web on relationships.
"For a while there was this impression that as long as it's online, it doesn't matter. But research has shown it's not a separate world," she said, adding that infidelity was "just as painful, whether it's electronic or physical."
Taylor, 28, moved in with her husband Dave Pollard, 40, in Newquay, about 280 miles (450 kilometers) west of London, after the pair met in a chat room in 2003, according to the press agency's account. Both are disabled, Taylor said.
Both of them created personalities in Second Life, the three-dimensional virtual world with millions of users.
Taylor — represented in the game by a slim, dark-haired young woman with a penchant for cowboy outfits — first wed her beloved in a virtual ceremony held in an exotic tropical setting. She and Pollard — whose Second Life avatar was sharp-suited, long-haired muscleman — then married in real life at a registry office.
The svelte images of their avatars stand in contrast to their real wedding photo, which shows a plump couple — him balding with glasses and a red boutonniere; her in a flower patterned shirt instead of a dress.
Their marriage started to fall apart after Taylor allegedly caught her husband's avatar having cyber sex with a virtual prostitute last year. She said she had fallen asleep and when she woke up and spotted the pair cavorting on the computer screen.
She gave him a second chance but then discovered he allegedly strayed again in April. It was unclear how she learned of the couch encounter.
The case shows an increasingly tenuous line separating virtual relationships from the real people behind them.
In Britain last month, a truck driver was sentenced to 14 years in prison for the murder of his estranged wife who he killed after he found out she changed her Facebook status to "single" only days after they split up. Facebook is an online social network although users tend to post real pictures of themselves.
In the United States, a woman was charged in Delaware in August with plotting the real-life abduction of a boyfriend she met through the Second Life.
And in Japan, police said last month that a user of the country's popular "Maple Story" Web site — an online adventure game — was so infuriated by her sudden virtual divorce from her online husband that she logged on with his password and killed his digital persona.
The woman was jailed on suspicion of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data.
Attempts to contact Pollard — both over the phone and through his avatar — were unsuccessful.
But Taylor, reached by telephone on Friday, confirmed that she was getting a divorce next week. She refused to go into detail, saying South West News has prohibited her from talking to reporters. The news service confirmed that Taylor was under contract.
Despite their breakup, both Pollard and Taylor appear to be committed to scouring the Web for love.
Taylor reportedly found a new man in an alternative cyber-universe, World of Warcraft.
Pollard's Second Life profile, meanwhile, says he is virtually engaged again and can't wait to marry his new fiance "in rl."
That's short for "real life." Linden Lab, the maker of Second Life, did not immediately respond to a request for comment late Friday.
Now heres my type of trading set-up (http://www.forexfactory.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=170519&stc=1&thumb=1&d=1226862153) :)
http://www.forexfactory.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=170519&stc=1&thumb=1&d=1226862153
(http://www.forexfactory.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=170519&stc=1&thumb=1&d=1226862153)
I'm sure that 5 litre cask of Franzia really helps in making good clear decisions about the days trades.
shasta
17-11-2008, 08:30 PM
I'm sure that 5 litre cask of Franzia really helps in making good clear decisions about the days trades.
Cask wine in a pint glass, total class :D
Love the setup Arco!
....and now for something a bit more professional.....
http://www.forexfactory.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=170525&stc=1&thumb=1&d=1226865124
...................................
Not much fun if you're 7 foot tall like this guy.....
(check out the car in the background as well).
.
http://blog.wired.com/cars/images/2008/11/14/daihatsu_copen_gettin_in.jpg
miner
26-11-2008, 01:55 PM
It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre. Claude the hypnotist
Exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each
And every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations'.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
Gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, It slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'SH*T' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Centre.
miner
26-11-2008, 01:56 PM
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
started swearing".
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?"
Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
wants for breakfast.
Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops."
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,
got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what
do you want for breakfast, young man?"
I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops."
One sunny day in 2009 an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine looks at the man and says, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no
longer president and no longer resides here.'
The old man says, 'Okay' and walked away.
The following day, the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet withPresident Bush.'
The Marine again tells the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U. S. Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?'
The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.'
The Marine snapps to attention, salutes, and says, 'See you
tomorrow sir.'
What steps should be taken to address the parking problem in Hubli and Dharwad?
KEEP BOMB IN THE PARKING AREA SO THERE WILL NOT BE A TOO MUCH RUSH FOR AT LEAST SOME YEARS.
Posted by ELGI @ 11/27/2008 12:35 PM
Hubli - Dharwad, political leaders are totally corrupt, even all officers involved in that, how can it is possible to solve this issue....., forget about parking, see the roads... every where its dust.. all are Basterds....
Posted by saleem @ 11/27/2008 1:21 PM
http://o3.indiatimes.com/mytimes/archive/2008/11/26/4949445.aspx
You've heard about them...but have you seen one?
Construction begun, 2006. Completed, 2008. Never occupied. Never put up for sale. Never cared for. Weeds and saplings taking over the McGrounds. Who knows the tale of woe behind this embodiment of the burst housing bubble? Divorce? Insolvency? Bankruptcy? Repossession? Death? Whoever finally does move into this pre-haunted dwelling will be greeted by one king-hell of a heating fuel bill. The northeast has not yet seen the kind of new house desolation now visible in parts of California, Nevada, Arizona, and Florida. But the housing bust has long way to go before the median price of a house is equivalent with the budget of the median income.
http://www.kunstler.com/eyesore_200809.jpg
China's first home-made jet flies
http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/45250000/jpg/_45250671_a098cd26-2f8a-41fd-a794-cd38890e174b.jpg
China successfully flight tested its first home-grown commercial airliner.
The ARJ-21's maiden flight lasted one hour and the aircraft did not rise above 900 metres in altitude due to safety reasons.
The 90-seat jet flew out of a local Shanghai airport and its manufacturer expects it to fly distances up to 3,700km.
Each jet will cost $27m (£22.6m) and first deliveries are expected to take place within 18 months.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/7755377.stm
People write the strangest things on their resumes, sometimes downright hysterical. Why should only recruiting managers get to laugh at these?
http://jobmob.co.il/images/articles/funny/InsertBrainHere.gif
http://jobmob.co.il/blog/funniest-resume-mistakes/
http://media.divinecaroline.com/ext/article_images2/signs/7.jpg
Open Letter to My Hairstylist
By: Violet Brown (http://www.divinecaroline.com/public/user/profile?user_id=40694)
Dear ---------,
I have been trying very hard these last two weeks to accept what you have done to my head. But I can’t. I just can’t! Every morning, I find it hard not to cry while attempting to style the so-called haircut you gave me. I just don’t think you understood me when I said, “Cut it like it is now, only an inch or two shorter.” I’m afraid you misheard me, or perhaps you just weren’t paying attention. I am really very sure that I did not say, “Just chop it all off randomly, especially on top and around the ears.” Nor did I say, “I want to look as if I had my hair cut by a John Deere riding mower.”
I hate to complain, but I feel so violated. Humiliated, even. Gone are my smooth, shiny “Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction” locks. My sleek vintage look has been utterly destroyed in the name of trendiness. I can’t express how “not me” this look is. Whose haircut is this, anyway? I am too old for this and I look ridiculous. All I need is a My Chemical Romance t-shirt and I could disappear into any high school in the United States. No one could possibly take me seriously looking like this! I’m sure you weren’t thinking in terms of my professional life when you made certain executive decisions concerning my hair.
I have one good thing to say: I love the color. The blue-black with a few red chunks in it is exactly what I wanted. The thing is, I wanted that color with my haircut, not Psycho the Clown’s haircut. Any possible good done by the color is far outweighed by the fact that I have to apply three different products just to keep it from looking like Darth Vader’s helmet. I hate “product” in my hair. I want it to feel like hair, I want it to move with me. This stuff up on my head, it is definitely not moving.
The other night, my boyfriend wanted to make love to me. I said, “No.” You know why? Because I feel f***ing hideous, and it’s all your fault, that’s why! I know, maybe that’s a little TMI, but I need you to comprehend how profoundly upset I am by your lack of listening skills. Maybe if you slow down and read this letter four or five times, the next person in your chair won’t end up hiding her $120 haircut under a brown paper bag.
http://media.divinecaroline.com/ext/article_images2/signs/13.jpg
surely they're not itchy moo cows
http://media.divinecaroline.com/ext/article_images2/body/1.jpghttp://media.divinecaroline.com/ext/article_images2/body/2.jpg
In his recent book, Female Bodybuilders (Pond Press (http://pondpress.com/)), photographer Martin Schoeller (http://www.martinschoeller.com/) captures the personality and power of the female professional bodybuilder. The striking photos tell a story of confidence, strength, and vulnerability in a sport very few of us are exposed to.
From your PMs I know you would like to see more..........
http://www.divinecaroline.com/article/22340/60530-stunning-female-bodybuilder-portraits?CMP=ILC-MoreFromWdgt
http://media.divinecaroline.com/ext/article_images2/dprk/2898765862_6df3f46899.jpg
And here someone brave enough to ride it..................
http://revver.com/video/270792/pyongyang-roller-coaster/
http://media.divinecaroline.com/ext/article_images2/dprk/2991537675_dd1f1c4d1e.jpg
At Pyongyang's funfair. "Let's annihilate the US imperialist aggressors!"
Ordered some stuff online the other day and I used my donor card instead of my debit card.
Cost me an arm and a leg.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Someone has stolen our tent”
How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only Juan
_________
teacher ask's her class "if there were two birds on a powerline and you shot one of them how many would you have left"
jonny knows the answer to this...."there wouldn't be any miss cause the sound would scare the other one off"
teacher replies "no sorry jonny thats wrong, there would be one left but i like the way you think"
"ok miss, there's three ladies eating a icecream. one is nibbling at the sides, one is slowly licking it and the other has the whole thing in her mouth. which one is married"
teacher thinks about it for a while.....
"well this is a hard one but if i had to guess i'd say the one with the whole thing in her mouth"
jonny replies "no miss it's the one with the ring but i like the way you think"
miner
03-12-2008, 08:41 AM
The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/12/02/article-1091091-02A91C99000005DC-116_468x534.jpg
A German parliamentary report has revealed that in 2007 German forces in Afghanistan consumed about 1.7 million pints of beer and 90,000 bottles of wine. During the first six months of this year 896,000 pints of beer were shipped to German forces in Afghanistan. British and US bases in the country enforce a strict ban on alcohol.
The physical condition of the soldiers was already in question after a German armed forces report found that 40 per cent of its soldiers aged 18-29 were overweight, compared to 35 per cent of the civilian population of the same age.
The report, published in March, concluded that the Bundeswehr lived on beer and sausages while shunning fruit and vegetables.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/middle_east/article5277034.ece
Last Friday, China successfully completed the first test flight of its domestically produced jet, the ARJ21-700. After flying for an hour, the 90-seat jet landed safely at an airport
So this was not expected?
and why the aircraft did not rise above 900 metres in altitude due to safety reasons.
Subject: IMPONDERABLES ?
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2.. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8 .. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced 'onety' one?
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
Captions please.................................
.
http://www.trademe.co.nz/Browse/Listing.aspx?id=191256438
this auction is pretty funny. look at the bids!
Not my idea of a refreshing drink......................
http://yourscene.latimes.com/PHOTOS/LATM/1UserPhotos/426084E.jpg
Something was lost somewhere in translation me thinks................
http://yourscene.latimes.com/PHOTOS/LATM/1UserPhotos/426065E.jpg
http://www.forex-tsd.com/attachments/suggestions-trading-systems/73958d1228492140-twinblade-5mint-system-3-16-.jpg
Really feels like Xmas when all the lights are turned on at night...many magnificent sights to be seen and admired.
December 11, 2008 - 1:43PM
A Queensland woman has been granted permission to keep her dead partner's sperm on ice for possible future use.
The woman made the application in the Supreme Court of Queensland last week, the day after her partner died.
His sperm was extracted on the same day the application was made, pending a decision.
In granting the request, Justice John Byrne said there were conflicting decisions about whether sperm gathered under such circumstances could be used for in-vitro fertilisation at a later date.
However he said it would be unjust to pre-empt any future decision on the issue.
It's not the first time a court has allowed a woman to extract and preserve their dead partner's sperm.
There was a similar case in Queensland in 2004, and another in Victoria in 2005.
http://news.theage.com.au/national/woman-can-keep-dead-partners-sperm-20081211-6wcr.html
Which shelf on the fridge?
Nude calendar shunned
5:00AM Saturday Dec 13, 2008
Children's charity KidScan is horrified its name has been linked to a calendar of nude men, and is refusing to accept money from its sale.
Men with links to medical recruit firm MedRecruit posed for the calendar, saying all the money raised would go to KidScan, a charity for underprivileged children.
But KidScan general manager Julie Henson said the calendar was "inappropriate ... They might want to choose another charity, like prostate cancer - something for men, not for children".
A stupid cartoon :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
__________________________________________________ ___
http://www.aussiestockforums.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=26384&stc=1&d=1229384611
miner
16-12-2008, 03:49 PM
His wife must be a honey as taking that rocket ship for a blast would give you a big boner,poor guy what a hard choice to make,bike-wife Hmmm?.
Cheers
miner
http://media.thedaily.com.au/img/photos/2008/12/15/crash_500x500_t350.jpg
WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't care
http://www.aussiestockforums.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=20096&stc=1&thumb=1&d=1210106545
.
Not for the first time, life in Queensland resembles a comedy of errors. A father of five has taken anti-discrimination action after his four-year-old daughter was asked to help make a replica of Noah's Ark at a state school. In the same spirit, we urge him and his family to avoid Easter eggs, Christmas presents, decorations and never to mention the Southern Cross. Queensland Health is also doing its best for political correctness. Its new schools kit advocates classroom beanbags and tells teachers not to use red pen for correcting students' work. The colour is 'too confrontational', apparently. We await the state's stop lights being tinted a delicate rose pink and overdrawn accounts being 'in the blue'. As well as in la-la land.
The Australian, Page 13, 5 December 2008
http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,25197,24752539-601,00.html
In forex, everything glitters like gold. Just got an email from a broker who I was chatting with on one of those "24/7 Live chat" java applets. The signature on the bottom made me chuckle.
Customer service/call centre operator/live chat operator => "Senior Client Account Executive"
Nothing like a colourful Christmas
minimoke
22-12-2008, 10:42 AM
In forex, everything glitters like gold. Just got an email from a broker who I was chatting with on one of those "24/7 Live chat" java applets. The signature on the bottom made me chuckle.
Customer service/call centre operator/live chat operator => "Senior Client Account Executive"
It wasn’t that long ago that we had ANZ people managing poxy suburban branches being called Chief Executive Officers – the writing was on the wall even then.
On a similar vein...........................
The Australian immigration program is to be replaced making it easier for boat people to 'arrive'.
"Illegal immigrants" will now be referred to as "unauthorised arrivals."
The old term was pejorative and damaged their egos. So they can now arrive in Australia confident that they will be rapidly processed, ahead of those who want to be "authorised arrivals." Family groups will also get preferential treatment.
Blue pill for sagging Christmas tree
11:30a.m. 23rd December 2008
| By CEN (http://www.cen.at/)
Scientists have discovered that Viagra is the perfect plant food to perk up flagging Christmas trees.
Researchers from the Faculty of Forest Sciences at the Swedish University of Agricultural Sciences in northern Sweden have made a fertiliser based on arginine, which is used in the erectile dysfunction drug, Viagra.
The a amino acid has the ability to improve sperm production and blood circulation in sex organs but can also make spruce trees - commonly used as Christmas trees - grow taller and stronger.
http://forktrader.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/drunk-santa.jpg
A MAN whose wife allegedly set fire to his genitals while he slept has died.
The incident has now been declared a major crime by police and it is likely his wife, Rajini, will face a charge of manslaughter or murder.
Police have alleged Mr Narayan's wife doused his genitals with methylated spirit and then set him on fire about 5.30am on December 7.
http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,,24848739-5005941,00.html
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/85/247277892_322b32f8db.jpg?v=0
http://coldfury.com/images/Muirmobile.jpg
http://img247.imageshack.us/img247/4043/wifeviawwwnotafrontorgqx2.jpg
http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/9959/funnysharpsignps6.jpg
http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/fail-owned-happy-holidays-nazi-and-psychopath-books-fail.jpg
http://img247.imageshack.us/img247/9758/n5118841889199555400xp0.jpg
I might have posted this one before... but its worth it.
http://img368.imageshack.us/img368/8446/thebailoutfh3.jpg
http://i272.photobucket.com/albums/jj179/prettyinbluexox/hilarious.jpg
Porn kings Larry Flynt and Joe Francis are calling on the US government to revive the sex lives of Americans by providing a $5 billion bailout of the country's adult entertainment industry.
Hustler magazine publisher Flynt and Girls Gone Wild founder Francis have sent a joint request to the Government asking for the bailout to help them ride out the economic crisis, website News Blaze is reporting.
The pair said while the porn industry was still viable, the economic crunch had taken its toll.
Francis said as the government was prepared to bail out other faltering industries such as car-manufacturers, they should be willing to help the porn industry.
"Congress seems willing to help shore up our nation's most important businesses; we feel we deserve the same consideration," the statement is reported to have said.
Flynt said the downturn was having an unhealthy affect on the sexual appetites of Americans.
"People are too depressed to be sexually active," the website reported him as saying.
"This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex."
"It's time for Congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly," he said.
A FUMING hubby used a JCB to dig up the driveway of his family home before dumping 20 tons of rubble on his estranged wife’s car.
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2135391.ece
The move came just one week after the bank released a series of billion-dollar notes, which already are not worth enough for workers to withdraw their monthly salaries.
Inflation was last reported at 231 million percent in July, but the Washington think-tank Cato Institute has estimated it now at 89.7 sextillion percent -- a figure expressed with 21 zeroes.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090116/ts_afp/zimbabweeconomycurrency_20090116125326
miner
22-01-2009, 03:10 PM
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
It's THE profit opportunity of our lifetime…
POCKET-CHANGE PUNTS!
Who else wants to discover how to turn
$500 into $11,775 - or MORE - in 2009?
If you ever wanted the chance to make a lot
of money for just a little down - read on…
Dear Friend,
Imagine what it would be like to have a $3,295-$11,775 windfall hitting your bank account right now...
You could put recession worries on the back-burner...
With that kind of cash coming in, higher living costs and spiralling debts would be far less of a worry. Even finding yourself in-between jobs wouldn't so bad right now...
You could MASSIVELY boost your retirement preparations...
http://www.portphillippublishing.com.au/research/asi/12p.cfm?s=W9AAK103 (http://www.hotcopper.com.au/redirect_all.asp?statisticid=483)
It's important to remember that investing in shares can lose you some or all of your investment money. Please seek independent financial advice regarding your particular situation.
It's important to remember that investing in shares can lose you some or all of your investment money. Please seek independent financial advice regarding your particular situation.
I didnt read that far Peat :D
Very smutty :D
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=d8RJerMS40c
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_sD9kcJeWWl0/SX6UL9Vj-GI/AAAAAAAAAX8/MbdtlW43dF0/s1600-h/Phallic+Symbol.jpg
.
Dr Baker proposed that men with bigger testicles would be most successful in the race to fertilise most eggs, and that the testis size of individual men could predict their success in sperm competition. Remarkably, Dr Baker had managed to persuade 14 of his male colleagues to measure the size of their left testicle, using callipers. He then asked 20 female colleagues to look at the men, and rank them according to whom they would most like to have an adulterous relationship with. As he predicted, there was a correlation between the big-balled males and the apparent likelihood that the men would engage in extra-pair copulation, if given the opportunity.
.
http://gawker.com/5147435/inept-weathermen-we-salute-you?autoplay=true?skyline=true&s=i
(http://fleshbot.com/388029/todays-forecast-69-and-awkward)
Bad ad placement.
http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/fail-owned-obama-mccain-ad-placement-fail.jpg?w=500&h=374
Subject: LETTER FROM MANAGEMENT
Date: Tue, 29 Jan 2009 09:15:44 +0000
Dear Employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.
Sincerely
The Management
Excellent use of Trademe's question and answer facility.
http://www.trademe.co.nz/Browse/Listing.aspx?id=204080366
Brent Sheather writing in the herald cracks a funny
Whats the capital of Iceland
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/business/news/article.cfm?c_id=3&objectid=10559176&pnum=2
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
about 25 cents
The Veerbeck Collection
The 'trip' began at a fleamarket in San Francisco a few years ago. I came across my first old toaster, a beautiful chrome pop up monster. A few weeks later in Holland I bought one of the ugliest toasters ever made: The HAGEKA from the German Democratic Republic. Now, a couple of years later, I am proud to present a collection of nearly 600 different pieces.
http://www.toastermuseum.com/scripts/toastercollection/collection01.html
some of those toasters are awesome
we bought a matching toaster and jug set... i wanted a jug that didnt sound like a jet engine and so of course the girl had to get the matching toaster.
tea and toast is a very important ritual - cant be doin it with shoddy equipment!
http://www.garrysue.net/images/Zim/p-91f.jpg (http://www.garrysue.net/images/Zim/p-91f.jpg)
www.garrysue.net (http://www.garrysue.net/images/Zim/p-91f.jpg)
"In these current economic crises, we are sorry but we see no other alternative but to reduce our staff. We have to lay off André."
shasta
16-03-2009, 06:20 PM
"In these current economic crises, we are sorry but we see no other alternative but to reduce our staff. We have to lay off André."
lol Peat...
If only it wasn't so real...:confused:
NB, An outside consultancy firm would have written a 200 page report at great cost, justifying the fact Andre had to go...
Hey wait, i've just described most of the Govt Depts!
Police are investigating after a woman gave birth while flying to Auckland from Apia this morning then got off the plane, leaving her baby behind.
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10562470
Xerof
19-03-2009, 02:03 PM
......Holy Mary, mother of Jesus
conceived in Apia (Up Ear)
Dr_Who
21-03-2009, 05:57 PM
An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says "Fluctuations". The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the
door, turns around and says: "Fluc you Amelicans too!"
:D
miner
23-03-2009, 03:39 PM
Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular contractions'
to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ars*hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably out fishing with his mates!!
miner
14-05-2009, 08:55 PM
Five poms and an Irishman were in a rape line up, as the cops brought the witness in paddy stepped forward and said,"that's her the ungrateful fat slut".
and then he probably lost his job on the telly too.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address or postcode. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is my birthday, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. ....Please help me.
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
A few days later, another letter came addressed to God and in the same hand. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna
So I got a little bored...
Hours of fun
http://zapatopi.net/treeoctopus/
Scroll to the bottom for more interesting articles
http://zapatopi.net/
step daughter told me a joke which I didnt get at first
'tis very topical re recent celebrity deaths.
Farah Fawcett was given a wish as she entered the pearly gates because she'd been such a good person....
So she asked for God to look after the children.
if
you
dont
get
it
you're not alone....
but next thing you know
Michael Jackson dies
That's When the Fight Started
My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No." she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "....Then I'd like to phone a friend...."
And that's when the fight started....
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that’s when the fight started ..
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap'
That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that’s when the fight started.....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Bud Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s when the fight started....
A woman was standing nude,looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that’s when the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And that’s when the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that’s when the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that’s when the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that’s when the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And that’s when the fight started...
Woman held for noisy sex 'breach'
A woman has been remanded in custody accused of breaching an Asbo banning her from being noisy during sex.
Neighbours complained of hearing Caroline Cartwright, 48, groaning and her bed banging against the wall at her home in Washington, Wearside.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/wear/8021185.stm
:D
A guy wakes up in the morning at home with a cracking headache and a black eye and remembers nothing of the night before. He sees a glass of water on the side of the table with a couple of Panadols and a nice note telling him food is waiting in the kitchen, he is a little confused. He cannot remember a thing of how he got home and his wife is not around. He gets up and walks through the house, everything is spotless and tidy. Sure enough there is the kitchen is the perfect hangover breakfast. He sees his son and asks him what happened last night. The son says, well you arrived home at 3am drunk as could be, you tripped over the carpet and smashed the coffee table and mom's favourite vase. The guy is now completely confused as to why his wife is being so nice. The son says, then mom took you off to bed and when she tried to pull of your pants you screamed "leave me alone #$%@, I'm married".
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
shasta
29-07-2009, 05:36 PM
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How many kids with OCD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, repeatedly :D
Definitely 12 times, yeah definitely 12 times :p
The newspaper, "The Australian," over a period of
weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn.
This was the winner:
Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"
"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah .. and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
Well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
"I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'.
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. The wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
Here (http://www.aussiestockforums.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=32269&d=1249651563)......................
A couple went to the sex therapists office at the Apollo Hospital.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them Rs.300.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house.
Cinnamon Grand charges Rs. 10,000, Taj charges Rs.7 ,000, Galadari charges Rs.6000. We do it here for Rs.300 and I get that back from Medical Claim.
.
http://www.boreme.com/media/yr2006/beach-balls.jpg
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70’s!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY , no video/DVD films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...
We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT
Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully'salways ruled the playground at school.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, show it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore.
miner
26-08-2009, 06:15 PM
THE JOURNEY OF MAN
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great
fun initially and very energetic, but directionless... So I decided to find
a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
miner
26-08-2009, 06:16 PM
A little old man
shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
Not sure if this would fit the bill ...............:)
http://www.freeimagehosting.net/uploads/efbca637ef.gif (http://www.freeimagehosting.net/)
miner
26-08-2009, 07:13 PM
Nup got any more ???
do we need to start a "dirty pics for bored fx traders thread??
http://www.babeskickass.com/movs/best-tits-ever_45f42911c77f4.jpg (http://www.babeskickass.com/movs/best-tits-ever_45f42911c77f4.jpg)
do we need to start a "dirty pics for bored fx traders thread??
http://www.babeskickass.com/movs/best-tits-ever_45f42911c77f4.jpg (http://www.babeskickass.com/movs/best-tits-ever_45f42911c77f4.jpg)
You dont get many of those to the kilo :D
You dont get many of those to the kilo :D
I wonder what the conversion rate is from SBH* to the kilo :confused:
* SBHF....standard british handful :cool:
fungus pudding
27-08-2009, 09:30 AM
I wonder what the conversion rate is from SBH* to the kilo :confused:
* SBHF....standard british handful :cool:
I thought the poms measured by the mouthful. SBM.
I guess this is the appropriate time to post this one
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 45, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 46 and 55, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 56 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts...
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?
dartMonkey
27-08-2009, 03:38 PM
Dear John
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV.
My car started stalling and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having a n affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, John
From: vivian.hope99@yahoo.com
Subject: Hello My Dear one
To:
Hello My Dear one
How are you and how is your work? i hope that all is well with you, My name is miss Jenifer , i know that you may be suprise how i get your email, i got your email today when i was browsing looking for honest partner,then i feel to drop this few line to you , and i will like you to contact me through my email so that we can know each other and exchange our pictures, and we maybecome partner.
Remember the distance does not matter what matters is the love we share with each other.
i am waiting to hear from you soon.
kiss regards Miss Jenifer
shasta
01-09-2009, 04:00 PM
From: vivian.hope99@yahoo.com
Subject: Hello My Dear one
To:
Hello My Dear one
How are you and how is your work? i hope that all is well with you, My name is miss Jenifer , i know that you may be suprise how i get your email, i got your email today when i was browsing looking for honest partner,then i feel to drop this few line to you , and i will like you to contact me through my email so that we can know each other and exchange our pictures, and we maybecome partner.
Remember the distance does not matter what matters is the love we share with each other.
i am waiting to hear from you soon.
kiss regards Miss Jenifer
Arco
You been on the "Love-You-Long-Time".com site again? :D
Not since you and I were on there together.
However, I did try to contact her, but I misspelt her address
vivian.hope69@yahoo.com (vivian.hope99@yahoo.com)
:D
miner
01-09-2009, 05:37 PM
London Lawyer Vs Glasgow Cop
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stoap at the stoap sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stoap. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stoap, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,'Dae ye want me tae stoap, or just slow doon?'
Vacancy at Bunnings
-
http://i28.tinypic.com/1z1sqwg.gif
Dr_Who
02-09-2009, 12:49 PM
From: vivian.hope99@yahoo.com
Subject: Hello My Dear one
To:
Hello My Dear one
How are you and how is your work? i hope that all is well with you, My name is miss Jenifer , i know that you may be suprise how i get your email, i got your email today when i was browsing looking for honest partner,then i feel to drop this few line to you , and i will like you to contact me through my email so that we can know each other and exchange our pictures, and we maybecome partner.
Remember the distance does not matter what matters is the love we share with each other.
i am waiting to hear from you soon.
kiss regards Miss Jenifer
I emailed her, we started chatting. After about 2 hrs of talk I asked her for a photo so that I can start sending her money and this is what I got... Holy Shiat! :eek::D
I think I am in love!
Maybe I should give her my DPC shares instead of cash.
http://www.uglypersons.com/pics/img481b05ce57f2f.jpg
She's obviously into Harmonic Trading.
Look at all those Butterflies.
fungus pudding
02-09-2009, 01:03 PM
I emailed her, we started chatting. After about 2 hrs of talk I asked her for a photo so that I can start sending her money and this is what I got... Holy Shiat! :eek::D
I think I am in love!
Maybe I should give her my DPC shares instead of cash.
http://www.uglypersons.com/pics/img481b05ce57f2f.jpg
Never been hard up before, have you?:D:D:D
pedro.nz
02-09-2009, 08:18 PM
Is this the same woman Paul Henry interviewed !!!
A Priest dies following a road accident & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.Ahead of him is a guy, with untidy hair, unshaven and dressed in a khaki coat and sarong tucked up and chewing betel with a tattoo visible in his chest of a cross with the words "YAKKA PARADDAMU" (defeat the devil) wearing BATA rubber slippers with a scarf round the neck.
God asks him: Please tell me who you are, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?
The guy replies: I am Appuhamy the CTB driver from Srilanka.
God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Appuhamy: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
In Srilanka the clergy is reserved seats immediately behind the driver in CTB buses and so the priest recognizes Appuhamy who recklessly drove the bus into the building at high speed.
Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Fr Pinto ,Head of the Don Bosco Seminary Ettukala ,Negombo and one time parish priest of St Mary's Church Negombo and celebrated 40 years as a priest and service to God in December last year.
God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's dedicated my whole life preaching your Name & wins goodness and bringing up priests to serve you has to make do with only a Cotton robe?'
'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.
'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove, people PRAYED'
It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts even in Heaven.
The oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build It was completed in 1604..
.
http://i28.tinypic.com/16geaug.jpg
speres
06-09-2009, 09:00 PM
do we need to start a "dirty pics for bored fx traders thread??
http://www.babeskickass.com/movs/best-tits-ever_45f42911c77f4.jpg (http://www.babeskickass.com/movs/best-tits-ever_45f42911c77f4.jpg)
I wish my missus would stop putting her topless pics online
miner
07-09-2009, 11:15 AM
What bridge ?????
fungus pudding
07-09-2009, 11:31 AM
I wish my missus would stop putting her topless pics online
:eek:So does everyone else on the entire planet!
http://yourscene.latimes.com/PHOTOS/LATM/1UserPhotos/517135E.jpg
http://yourscene.latimes.com/PHOTOS/LATM/1UserPhotos/349908E.jpg
http://yourscene.latimes.com/PHOTOS/LATM/1UserPhotos/346233E.jpg
Dr_Who
07-09-2009, 03:26 PM
Conclusive prove that men originated from apes.
shasta
07-09-2009, 03:57 PM
Conclusive prove that men originated from apes.
Yup, & we know what google is used for...
Phaedrus
07-09-2009, 04:11 PM
My God, she has had her nipples surgically removed!
miner
07-09-2009, 04:29 PM
My God, she has had her nipples surgically removed!
Hadn't noticed but then I only stared at them for 5 minutes.
i told you we needed a new thread
now I have to be careful opening this one at work! heh
surgical Phaedrus? maybe photoshop
to get this thread on the straight and narrow I dug up some old joke from my email archive of 2004
A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "its fart Rugby."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Try and conversion - 7points each".
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, Penalty - 10 to 7."
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty 10 each."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed. The wife says, What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, change sides."
Cannibal
07-09-2009, 04:45 PM
Ew!
I prefer the original thread...
shasta
07-09-2009, 04:46 PM
Ew!
I prefer the original thread...
Ok, better keep the thread clean - Vince/Vicky might moderate it otherwise.
Dr_Who
08-09-2009, 03:47 PM
The chick in the middle looks hot.
http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/political-pictures-muslim-women-niqab-smile.jpg
Dr_Who
08-09-2009, 03:50 PM
My God, she has had her nipples surgically removed!
It takes a real chartist to notice she didnt have nipples... ROFL
Why have nipples when you cant breast feed after a boob job? :D
The chick in the middle looks hot.
http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/political-pictures-muslim-women-niqab-smile.jpg
Underneath that black outer casing they wear some pretty sexy gear.
miner
08-09-2009, 04:25 PM
Each to there own,some guys go berkers over chicks wearing this gear.
sharer
09-09-2009, 06:18 PM
Each to there own,some guys go berkers over chicks wearing this gear.
How many guys actually wear them d'ya reckon?
THESE ARE ACTUAL QUOTES TAKEN FROM FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.
1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7) "This young lady has delusions ofadequacy."
8) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
10) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
12) "A gross ignoramus....144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15) "He's been working with glue too much."
16) "He would argue with a signpost."
17) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22) "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."
23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.."
24) 'He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28) "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."
29) "One neuron short of a synapse."
30) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31) "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'."
32) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
miner
11-09-2009, 09:20 AM
Who cares?
HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO Supermarket
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping. This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :
Dear Mrs. Murray,
Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the
Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering
banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by
our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calorgas
stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8... October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were.
10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
Mission Impossible' theme.
11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look'
using different size funnels.
12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled'
PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, assumed
the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
shorting your own IQ
A lawyer and a Maori are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that Maoris are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the Maori would like to play a fun game.
The Maori is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500" he says.
This catches the Maoris attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The Maori reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer without saying a word.
Now, it's the Maori's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Maori and hands him $500. The Maori pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes up the Maori and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Maori reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
dartMonkey
16-09-2009, 08:11 AM
I hope this doesn't infringe the thread title ...
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure
called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the
woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the
effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the
effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to
turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them..'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
Pammy-versus-the-Possum
You just never know what might turn up on One Tree Hill
http://static.stuff.co.nz/1253404172/557/2883557.jpg
http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/fashion/2883139/Swimwear-sparring-Pammy-versus-the-Possum
Pammy-versus-the-Possum
she hopes the focus doesn't stray too far from the great New Zealand designers showing their collections.
snigger...
Peachy
http://i33.tinypic.com/2vtqxw3.gif
A BUSLOAD of naked police officers allegedly used an unmarked police van to drive across Brisbane to a boozy bucks party, horrifying motorists with an impromptu nude dash in suburban traffic.
http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,27574,26106308-3102,00.html
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1343/1403115182_50d4e3b45e.jpg
Two economists were walking down the street when they noticed two women yelling across the street at each other from their apartment windows.
Of course they will never come to agreement, stated the first economist.
And why is that, inquired his companion, Why, of course, because they are arguing from different premises
Hong Kong Economics
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.
TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.
INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.
PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid,
China for military aid,
British for Warplanes,
Italy for machines,
Germany for technology,
French for submarines,
Switzerland for loans,
Russia for drugs
Japan for equipment.
You buy the cows with all this
And claim exploitation by the world.
AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab their cows.
FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad.
ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.
CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.
SINGAPORE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
Believe you have a brilliant government
Need to hire foreign talents to manage your cows
You lost all your cows.
SRI LANKAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You make one the President and the other the Leader of the Opposition!
A man knocked the door of house. The lady opened the door.
The man said, "I am the here on the run, to fix your leaky pipe."
The Lady said, "We don't have any leaky pipe here."
The plumber on run, says, "My note reads, your house called for a Plumbing Emergency, address looks exact, Aren't you Mrs. Mathur?"
The Lady says, "No, Mathurs moved away about a year back from this house. We are the Sharmas."
The plumber grimaces, "What kind of people are they, calls for an Emergency repair and then move away."
Dr_Who
24-09-2009, 04:33 PM
Very funny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGLssZf_5Oc&feature=related
miner
24-09-2009, 04:37 PM
>> A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
>> He gives the young boy three 10 cent coins to play with to keep him
>> occupied.
>>
>> Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
>> realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on
>> the back.
>>
>> The boy coughs up 2 of the 10 cent coins, but keeps choking. Looking
>> at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
>>
>> A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
>> business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
>> sipping a cup of coffee.
>>
>> At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
>
>> neatly folds the newspaper places it on the counter, gets up from her
>> seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
>>
>> Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of
>> the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first
>> and then ever so firmly.
>>
>> After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last
>
>> of the 10 cent coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
>>
>> Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
>> and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
>>
>> As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
>> father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
>> never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
>
>> you a doctor? "
>>
>>
>> 'No,' the woman replied,
>> .
>>
>>
>> 'I'm with the Inland Revenue..'
I thought what you use is simplified Chinese, hoped that you can understand. Your father is the India lineage, but you, since calls self the Chinese people outward, hoped that you can the self-respect dead weight, three think of the cautious word, looks like such which the Twinkle elder sister couple of days ago said that do not give the Chinese people on the face to discredit. Gesticulates at the forum to other people are not equal to the communication exchange. This is the clear equality place of exchange, nobody uses to install causes a clamor. So as to avoid other people good, is disinclined principle it, bad, then snorts contemptuously. In addition: You everywhere paste the card which these many most people cannot understand, what many sends a posting, but multi-water-drop design time spirit guarantee fairly good quality?
EVERETT, Wash. - Five Washington state baristas charged customers to touch their breasts and buttocks at an espresso stand where servers wear bikinis to draw business, police said.
The five were charged Wednesday with prostitution. Charging money for that kind of touching falls under the city's definition of prostitution.
The Everett Herald reports the women were charging up to $80 to strip down while fixing lattes and mochas.
http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/articles/2009/09/24/20090924BikiniBarista24-ON.html
......................Knight fled the scene to a nearby construction site and attempted to hide in a portable toilet that was also on the site. The truck's owner and his friend soon caught up to Knight and tipped the portable toilet over, trapping Knight inside the toilet until police could arrive.
When officers arrived, they found Knight still inside the toilet, soaking wet in the toilet's contents...................
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_GGAmzDRA_BY/SLt4D5SzFCI/AAAAAAAADAM/wkrDP_PXyzg/s400/lorenzo_knight.jpg
http://www.theweeklyvice.com/2008_08_01_archive.html
Asia Lottery Email Award 2009
No.10/11B, Jln Tun Razak,
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia 56000.
Sir/Madam
YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS WON THIS YEARS ASIA LOTTERY AWARD
We the board members of Asia Lottery Email Award wish to send our congratulatory message over the success of your Email Address emerging as a lucky winning Email from our computer balloting held on the 25th of September 2009. This is a Millennium Scientific Computer Game in which email addresses were used and it is also a promotional program aimed at encouraging internet users; therefore you do not require to purchase a lottery ticket to participate in this programme.
Your approved winning star price is to the tune of Us$643,815.00 (Six Hundred & Fourty Three Thousand,Eight Hundred & Fifteen United States Dollars Only). We have appointed an agent to process your claims with the paying finance institution and so you are highly required to immediately forward your details to them and we have as well stated the informations which you are expected to provide below:
: Full Legal Names
: Contact Address
: Contact Tel/Fax Numbers
: Country of Citizenship
: Alternate Email Address{If Any}
Below is your winning details:
Ref No: AS/09/13/57/009/KL
Batch No: SLTO/7916/KL/AS
Lucky No: 06-117-010782
Serial No: KLUOTI/754236
Mr.Astrid Pedersen
Maandoi Security Services (Malaysia)
A4 Jln Yam Tuan 70000 Seremban,
Seremban,Negeri Sembilan,70000,
Malaysia.
Email:infomaandoi@aim.com
The Validity period of your lottery winnings is for twenty(20) working days hence you are expected to make your claims immediately as any claim not made before this date will be tagged as unclaimed and will be used for our next Lottery programme.
Note: You are advised to keep your winning details very confidential until the lump sum prize is received in your account or through any convenient payment mode deemed fit for you. This precautionary measure is to avoid multiple applications on your winnings.
Yours sincerely
Noraliza Binti Ismail
{Program Cordinator}
Once more we congratulate you for being one of our lucky winners!!
A quote from the Caseys Report emailed to me this morning
".....This next entry is a beauty. It is purportedly the actual recorded answering message from a school in New Zealand. I can’t be sure that it’s authentic, but it’s very funny and an all-too-true assessment of the nature of parents these days. Watch/listen to it by clicking on the link just below. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C5Rnb7J3sU
Yes... the video was funny but ...Maroochydore High School Queensland????? is a part of New Zealand :eek:!!!! WOW..how about that.:D:cool:
.
Bernard Madoff got into a fight in the prison yard with another inmate over the stock market – and won, the New York Post reported, quoting eyewitnesses. The 71 year-old Ponzi schemer, who is serving 150 years at the Butner, NC federal prison, got into a heated argument about the state of the market with another inmate in his 60s, inmates told the New York Post.
More
http://www.cnbc.com/id/33290584/?site=14081545
well I ask you, would you listen to his views on the stockmarket?? :p
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say,'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,
'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots,
which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll
put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
That phrase . . In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded,
'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed,she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes,the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked,one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
And exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank.Our prayers have been answered!'
Online share traders with a tendency to get over-excited now have help at hand.
EmoBracelet helps out overzealous traders
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/business/news/article.cfm?c_id=3&objectid=10604121
http://www.docstoc.com/docs/10383138/Worlds-Most-Worthless-Currencies
Hello
I am writting this letter with due respect and heartful of tears since we have not known or met ourselves previously. I am asking for your assistance after I have gone through your profile that speaks good of you.
I will be so glad if you can allow and lead me to the right channel towards your assistance to my situation now. I will make my proposal well known if I am given the opportunity. I would like to use this opportunity to introduce myself to you.
well, i am zhara kones 17years old girl and I know that this proposal might be a surprise to you but do consider it as an emmergency. My (late) father Mr kipkalya kones was a very wealthy gold and cocoa merchant who based in Accra and Abidjan respectively.
But he was killed along side with my mother during last year's Rable attact and all his properties was totally destroyed. However, after their death I managed to escape with a very important document (DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE (US$8m)million U.S Dollars deposited by my late father in the bank which i am the next of kin. Meanwhile,i am saddled with the problem of securing a trust worthy foriegn personality to help me transfer the money over to his country and into his possession pending my arrival to meet with him.
Furthermore,you can contact the bank for confirmation and i will issue a letter of authorisation on your name,that will enable the bank to deal with you on my behalf. I am giving you this offers as mentioned with every confidence on your acceptance to assist me or take me as your child and manage the money.
I am inclined to offer you 20% of the total sum as a mode of compensation for your effort after the successful transfering of these fund to your nominated account overseas Conclusively,i wish you send me a reply immediately as soon as you recieve this proposal,please write me back with this email address (zharakipkalya017@yahoo.fr)
Until then, Sincerely
yours,
zhara kones
shasta
19-10-2009, 04:19 PM
Hello
I am writting this letter with due respect and heartful of tears since we have not known or met ourselves previously. I am asking for your assistance after I have gone through your profile that speaks good of you.
I will be so glad if you can allow and lead me to the right channel towards your assistance to my situation now. I will make my proposal well known if I am given the opportunity. I would like to use this opportunity to introduce myself to you.
well, i am zhara kones 17years old girl and I know that this proposal might be a surprise to you but do consider it as an emmergency. My (late) father Mr kipkalya kones was a very wealthy gold and cocoa merchant who based in Accra and Abidjan respectively.
But he was killed along side with my mother during last year's Rable attact and all his properties was totally destroyed. However, after their death I managed to escape with a very important document (DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE (US$8m)million U.S Dollars deposited by my late father in the bank which i am the next of kin. Meanwhile,i am saddled with the problem of securing a trust worthy foriegn personality to help me transfer the money over to his country and into his possession pending my arrival to meet with him.
Furthermore,you can contact the bank for confirmation and i will issue a letter of authorisation on your name,that will enable the bank to deal with you on my behalf. I am giving you this offers as mentioned with every confidence on your acceptance to assist me or take me as your child and manage the money.
I am inclined to offer you 20% of the total sum as a mode of compensation for your effort after the successful transfering of these fund to your nominated account overseas Conclusively,i wish you send me a reply immediately as soon as you recieve this proposal,please write me back with this email address (zharakipkalya017@yahoo.fr)
Until then, Sincerely
yours,
zhara kones
Arco
I'm surprised to see you still posting after your last lucrative offer...
You need the extra $1.6m? :D
Arco
I'm surprised to see you still posting after your last lucrative offer...
You need the extra $1.6m? :D
That first one turned out to be a hoax, but this one definitely looks more promising ;)
Darwin Road Sign
http://i458.photobucket.com/albums/qq306/Hoop_1/5a204.jpg
I don't think so:p:p
You might be OK if they are freshwater crocs...........as far as I know there is no record of an unprovoked attack on any person by a freshwater crocodile, although if provoked they may give you a nasty nip.
Spot the different (just in case :D)
Fresh
http://www.divethereef.com/Guides/guideimages/JBG_WCROL4.jpg
Saltwater
http://www.divethereef.com/Guides/guideimages/JBG_10-00_67_crocofront.jpg
miner
20-10-2009, 01:40 PM
UNBELIEVEABLE!!!
THEY WALK AMONG US
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples:
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts "Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa." Her response - click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino,New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply?
''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!
http://www.stuff.co.nz/business/market-data/2990069/Reserve-Bank-stymied-on-kiwis-rise
http://static.stuff.co.nz/1256163884/071/2990071.jpg
This one, selected as the top joke in England…
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
.
http://i36.tinypic.com/oia9s4.gif
..
When you want to have a grizzly about the 'trouble and strife'..........this is the place to go
http://www.mywifeissodumb.com/forum/
http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/4/2009/10/500x_Screen_shot_2009-10-26_at_5.51.16_PM.jpg
http://gizmodo.com/5390540/man-spends-50000-to-recreate-a-first+class-pan-am-cabin-in-his-garage
I tried this last night with a bra that Mrs arco was wearing, but she reckoned it could have been more effective if I had allowed her to remove the bra first :D
.........................The bra-mask could be used during such disasters as fires, terrorist attacks, dust storms or a swine flu outbreak, Bodnar said. Indeed, she first thought up the idea while treating victims of the 1986 Chernobyl nuclear disaster as a medical university graduate in her native Ukraine.
Bodnar is now pursuing commercialization of her bra-mask. She hopes all women will eventually have one.
But what about the men?
http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/chi-talk-bra-maskoct29,0,4631334.story
minimoke
02-11-2009, 12:03 PM
But what about the men?
[/URL]
A jock strap?
[url]http://dazeddigital.com/ArtsAndCulture/article/1704/1/The_Art_of_the_Decorated_Jockstrap (http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/chi-talk-bra-maskoct29,0,4631334.story)
.
A husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, " I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
Disgruntled..........
http://i45.tinypic.com/210yu5i.gif
dartMonkey
02-12-2009, 08:21 AM
Oopsy daisy ... accidentally posted this to the FPA.NZX thread ...
here goes again ...
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some asshole's got my pen!'
dartMonkey
04-12-2009, 08:25 AM
I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission
Control, and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned ... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard .
dragonz
04-12-2009, 07:23 PM
I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission
Control, and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned ... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard .
Thanx Drtmonkey. I had a good laugh at these posts. Bloody 10 year olds eh
http://i458.photobucket.com/albums/qq306/Hoop_1/santalights.jpg
Dave is gay.
Dave goes to the doc to have tests done.
Doc comes back & says sorry, I cant beat around the bush, but you have aids.
Dave says **** doc what can I do ?
Doc says go home and eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 peeled carrots,10 jalapeno chillis, 40 walnuts, and half a box of bran, then top it off with 1 gallon of prune juice.
Dave gobsmacked says will that save me ?
Doc says no, but it will give you a better understanding of what your arse is for!!!!!
dragonz
04-12-2009, 11:19 PM
Dave is gay.
Dave goes to the doc to have tests done.
Doc comes back & says sorry, I cant beat around the bush, but you have aids.
Dave says **** doc what can I do ?
Doc says go home and eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 peeled carrots,10 jalapeno chillis, 40 walnuts, and half a box of bran, then top it off with 1 gallon of prune juice.
Dave gobsmacked says will that save me ?
Doc says no, but it will give you a better understanding of what your arse is for!!!!!
Ha ha ha ha ha x 10000
Good advice for any pillow biter
dragonz
04-12-2009, 11:33 PM
A jock strap?
http://dazeddigital.com/ArtsAndCulture/article/1704/1/The_Art_of_the_Decorated_Jockstrap
Sad really. I think if I had the choice between a jock strap, come face mask, or death from a biologigal weapon, i'd choose death every time.
fungus pudding
05-12-2009, 07:48 AM
Dave is gay.
Dave goes to the doc to have tests done.
Doc comes back & says sorry, I cant beat around the bush, but you have aids.
Dave says **** doc what can I do ?
Doc says go home and eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 peeled carrots,10 jalapeno chillis, 40 walnuts, and half a box of bran, then top it off with 1 gallon of prune juice.
Dave gobsmacked says will that save me ?
Doc says no, but it will give you a better understanding of what your arse is for!!!!!
Bloke goes to the doctor for check up. Half way through examination Doctor jumps suddenly to the other side of the room.
'Good heavens Mr Smith. You've got that new highly contagious disease called shag.'
'Shag?' says Smith.
'Yes - shag. It's a combination of syphilis, herpes and gonorrhea''
'What can you do for that Doc?' asks Smith.
'Well - first thing is we put you on a diet of pizza and flounder', says the Doctor.
'And will that cure me?' Smith asks.
'No' says the Doctor 'there's no cure, but there the only things we can slide under the door.
Subject: Ahmed the Arab.
Ahmed the Arab came to the U.K.from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, **** in de bocket, piss on de ****, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.
Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, **** in the bucket, pissed on the ****, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'
The doctor said, 'You were homesick ..
Ponda
22-12-2009, 07:34 PM
I just stole this from another site. Couldn't stop laughing and just had to share the love. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did
__________________________________________________ ___________
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for ..the wife...or...a Smyth?
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest...
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety......??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home, loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave...
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...
HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . ... WHAT THE ....!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had messed my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
whats the difference between tiger woods and santa
santa stops at 3 ho's
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..... How soon can I go home?'
.
Not sure if this is what they mean when they say 'he packed his trunk'
http://i45.tinypic.com/10gbosw.jpg
sharpeye
27-01-2010, 11:25 AM
A lady was walking down highstreet with a walking stick in both hands, shaking quite badly with both legs and arms. She came to the Jewellers shop and muttered "no"!, staggered to the next shop, again muttered "no"! then on seeing the Maritial Aids Shop, staggers up to the counter and asks the saleman, " Do you sell the vibrators that take six D size super long lasting batteries?" "Yes," the salesman quickley replies. "Well, How Do You Turn It OFF?"
During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied ''Bejazus! Are yez' stupid? Oi was told mi password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''
STRAT
04-02-2010, 04:31 PM
The National Bank add at the top of Share Tader with the Aston Martin and the kid. Yup that surely belongs in this thread
There is a serious gap between rich countries and poor countries.....
http://i458.photobucket.com/albums/qq306/Hoop_1/Richcountry.jpg
.
.
http://i458.photobucket.com/albums/qq306/Hoop_1/RichcountryJoke2.jpg
miner
08-02-2010, 01:37 PM
She obviously is yet to experience the joys of gravel rash.
miner
09-02-2010, 02:08 PM
An old chap was in Woolworths the other day pushing his shopping trolley
around when he collided with a young guy pushing his trolley.
He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
He said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond
hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight
white shorts, a halter top and no bra.
What does your wife look like?"
He said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Most old guys are helpful like that.
**The scent of freshness**...
A new Woolworths supermarket has just opened in Queensland ..
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the fresh milk stand, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and sausages.
In the alcohol department, the clean, crisp smell of hops of the freshly brewed bitter.
When you approach the egg section, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh-baked bread and biscuits.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
2502
Two Women Try To Smuggle A Dead Man Onto A Plane
Two women have been arrested (http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6351ZN20100406?type=lifestyleMolt&feedType=RSS&feedName=lifestyleMolt)at an airport in Liverpool for attempting to smuggle a 91-year-old dead man onto a plane. The female relatives of the deceased, aged 41 and 66, tried to get the corpse onto a flight bound for Germany, by dressing him in sunglasses and sending him through check-in on a wheelchair.
Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/two-women-try-to-smuggle-a-dead-man-onto-a-plane-2010-4#ixzz0kPB7IYkO
http://www.flixxy.com/sun-microsystems-heisenberg-compensator.htm (http://www.flixxy.com/sun-microsystems-heisenberg-compensator.htm)
you know you want a Heisenberg Compensator
or if that's not your bag howabout a turbo-encabulator
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5125780462773187994#
at the end of this clip , after telling a few jokes , mostly American specific ones Obama says "all of the jokes tonight have been brought to you by Goldman Sachs - they make money whether you laugh or not"
heh
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8656668.stm
Well I never
A 16-year-old youth has appeared in court charged with bestiality after allegedly having sex with a donkey in Sumner yesterday.............The member of public lived in a house above the field and took photos while phoning police...................
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/christchurch/news/article.cfm?l_id=187&objectid=10637316
fungus pudding
14-05-2010, 07:48 PM
Well I never
A 16-year-old youth has appeared in court charged with bestiality after allegedly having sex with a donkey in Sumner yesterday.............The member of public lived in a house above the field and took photos while phoning police...................
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/christchurch/news/article.cfm?l_id=187&objectid=10637316
Where's the url to the photo ? - to hell with reading the article.
shasta
14-05-2010, 09:13 PM
Where's the url to the photo ? - to hell with reading the article.
Fungus
I wouldnt try googling for an image, the results are probably monitored by the FBI or something
What's doing in Chch, the women no good?
Size matters - so they say. Another rivalry issue perhaps - actually New Zealand is around 1/28th the size of Australia, whereas on this postcard Australia is portrayed as being around a quarter of the size of NZ
fungus pudding
15-05-2010, 09:40 AM
Size matters - so they say. Another rivalry issue perhaps - actually New Zealand is around half the size of Australia, whereas on this card Australia is portrayed as being around a quarter of the size of NZ
Well - looks like National are winning with their goal of catching Australia quicker than they expected. Just the other day we were only one/twenty-eighth the size of Australia.
http://www.worldatlas.com/aatlas/populations/ctypopa.htm
Well - looks like National are winning with their goal of catching Australia quicker than they expected. Just the other day we were only one/twenty-eighth the size of Australia.
http://www.worldatlas.com/aatlas/populations/ctypopa.htm
.......I was never that good a geography :ohmy: - original corrected
My confusion after a quick glance at Wikipedia which stated...............
New Zealand is part of Zealandia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zealandia_%28continent%29), a microcontinent (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microcontinent) nearly half the size of Australia that gradually submerged after breaking away from the Gondwanan (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gondwana) supercontinent.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Zealand
fungus pudding
15-05-2010, 01:06 PM
.......I was never that good a geography :ohmy: - original corrected
My confusion after a quick glance at Wikipedia which stated...............
New Zealand is part of Zealandia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zealandia_%28continent%29), a microcontinent (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microcontinent) nearly half the size of Australia that gradually submerged after breaking away from the Gondwanan (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gondwana) supercontinent.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Zealand
Yeah - but we're concerned only with the bit that isn't submerged. And if you are worse at geography than me you should be given a special award for an incredible acheivement.
Yeah - but we're concerned only with the bit that isn't submerged. And if you are worse at geography than me you should be given a special award for an incredible acheivement.
A picture speaks a thousand words
http://i40.tinypic.com/2wfqp1f.jpg
fungus pudding
15-05-2010, 05:42 PM
In the states FBI stands for "Female Body Inspector" :t_up:
Gee. I'd like to be one of those.
percy
15-05-2010, 07:21 PM
Fungus
I wouldnt try googling for an image, the results are probably monitored by the FBI or something
What's doing in Chch, the women no good?
reminds me of the two old Etonians who meet up at their club in Pall Mall.
One says to the other;"I say did you hear about Ponsonby? Poor chap was hadup in India for having sexual intercourse with an elephant'.
"My God! Male or female?"
"Female of course,Ponsonby's no queer!"
Australia Post created a new stamp displaying a picture of the current Prime Minister of Australia, Mr Kevin Rudd, and has recently suspended a recall of the stamps as requested by the Prime Minister after a special commission enquiry finding.
The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and spending of $9.73 million, a special commission presented the following findings:
1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
RazorX
18-05-2010, 10:10 AM
Australia Post created a new stamp displaying a picture of the current Prime Minister of Australia, Mr Kevin Rudd, and has recently suspended a recall of the stamps as requested by the Prime Minister after a special commission enquiry finding.
The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and spending of $9.73 million, a special commission presented the following findings:
1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
LMAO! :t_up:
>
>
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Guess What This Is? And don't cheat!! (try and not look below the hint);)
http://i458.photobucket.com/albums/qq306/Hoop_1/1956computer.jpg
Hint: picture was taken in 1956...
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Answer
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It's a hard disk drive back in 1956... with 5 MB of storage.
In September 1956 IBM launched the 305 RAMAC, the first 'SUPER' computer with a hard disk drive (HDD). The HDD weighed over a ton and stored a 'whopping' 5 MB :eek2: of data.
Do you appreciate your 8 GB memory stick now, or a 3GS iPhone with 32 GB of memory?
An example of a technological singularity event ?? I would doubt if those guys could ever perceive that 55 years in their future many passengers would be boarding onto planes with laptops in their hand-luggage x200,000 more powerful than that machine they were struggling with to put on that plane.
its getting so bad in spain that this year there having the running of the bears
A touch of Irony
http://i458.photobucket.com/albums/qq306/Hoop_1/BPironry.jpg
Only in America?
http://s133702574.onlinehome.us/pictures/blog/mompushingkid.jpg
A bit gory - no bull
http://thesidetalk.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/julio-aparicio-gored03.jpg
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/05/22/julio-aparicio-gored-in-t_n_585941.html
stanace
18-10-2010, 04:05 PM
What do you call an Arab with a piece of bacon on his head?
Hamed
And with 2 pieces of bacon?
Mohamed
And with a vibrator in his back pocket.
Sheik Mohamed.
Too racist?
What do you call a Scotsman in a raincoat?
Mac
2 Scotsmen in raincoats?
Max
2 Scotsmen in raincoats in a cemetery?
Max Bygraves.
Please help ban fox hunting in Great Britain ~
THIS MADNESS MUST STOP!!
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http://i458.photobucket.com/albums/qq306/Hoop_1/FoxHunting.jpg
Signed,
Peter Cottontail
Bugs Bunny
The Easter Bunny
Thumper
A screen grab from this mornings Waikato Times front page website...
http://i458.photobucket.com/albums/qq306/Hoop_1/funnypicture.png (http://s458.photobucket.com/user/Hoop_1/media/funnypicture.png.html)
Q: Who was the best financier in the Bible?
A: Noah...He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation
Daytr
03-03-2015, 01:52 PM
Keep them coming Hoop! ;-)
You forgot to mention that Noah took them in two by two so I'm sure their was some offspring, so a growth stock to!
Bi product of fertilizer, carbon emissions (animal farts) captured & used for propulsion & heating !
I could go on... But I'll leave the funny stuff to you!
Article from from Gurufocus 22 Nov 2016 (http://www.gurufocus.com/news/459932/jokes-in-warren-buffetts-shareholder-letters)
A collection of jokes the Oracle (Warren Buffett) used in his letters to shareholders
"Billy Rose described the problem of over-diversification: 'If you have a harem of forty women, you never get to know any of them very well.'” - 1984
"Agatha Christie, whose husband was an archaeologist, said that was the perfect profession for one's spouse: 'The older you become, the more interested they are in you.'" - 1987
"After ending our corporate marriage to Hochschild Kohn, I had memories like those of the husband in the country song, 'My Wife Ran Away With My Best Friend and I Still Miss Him a Lot.'" - 1989
"When such a CEO is encouraged by his advisors to make deals, he responds much as would a teenage boy who is encouraged by his father to have a normal sex life. It's not a push he needs." - 1994
"The real advantage of being bisexual is that it doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - 1995
"Though Enron has become the symbol for shareholder abuse, there is no shortage of egregious conduct elsewhere in corporate America. One story I’ve heard illustrates the all-too-common attitude of managers toward owners: A gorgeous woman slinks up to a CEO at a party and through moist lips purrs, 'I’ll do anything anything you want. Just tell me what you would like.' With no hesitation, he replies, 'Reprice my options.'" - 2001
"This means that directors must get rid of a manager who is mediocre or worse, no matter how likable he may be. Directors must react as did the chorus-girl bride of an 85-year old multimillionaire when he asked whether she would love him if he lost his money. 'Of course,' the young beauty replied, 'I would miss you, but I would still love you.'” - 2002
"… In this ambition, we hope – metaphorically – to avoid the fate of the elderly couple who had been romantically challenged for some time. As they finished dinner on their 50th anniversary, however, the wife – stimulated by soft music, wine and candlelight – felt a long-absent tickle and demurely suggested to her husband that they go upstairs and make love. He agonized for a moment and then replied, 'I can do one or the other, but not both.'" – 2005
"The best anecdote I’ve heard during the current presidential campaign came from Mitt Romney, who asked his wife, Ann, 'When we were young, did you ever in your wildest dreams think I might be president?' To which she replied, 'Honey, you weren’t in my wildest dreams.'” – 2007
"A line from Bobby Bare’s country song explains what too often happens with acquisitions: 'I’ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I’ve sure woke up with a few.'” - 2007
"Long ago, Charlie laid out his strongest ambition: 'All I want to know is where I’m going to die, so I’ll never go there.'” – 2009
"An old Wall Street joke gets close to our experience:
Customer: Thanks for putting me in XYZ stock at 5. I hear it’s up to 18.
Broker: Yes, and that’s just the beginning. In fact, the company is doing so well now, that it’s an even better buy at 18 than it was when you made your purchase.
Customer: Damn, I knew I should have waited." - 2009
"Our exemplar is the older man who crashed his grocery cart into that of a much younger fellow while both were shopping. The elderly man explained apologetically that he had lost track of his wife and was preoccupied searching for her. His new acquaintance said that by coincidence his wife had also wandered off and suggested that it might be more efficient if they jointly looked for the two women. Agreeing, the older man asked his new companion what his wife looked like. 'She’s a gorgeous blonde,' the fellow answered, 'with a body that would cause a bishop to go through a stained glass window, and she’s wearing tight white shorts. How about yours?' The senior citizen wasted no words: 'Forget her, we’ll look for yours.'” - 2006
"You may recall a 2003 Silicon Valley bumper sticker that implored, 'Please, God, Just One More Bubble.' Unfortunately, this wish was promptly granted, as just about all Americans came to believe that house prices would forever rise." -2007
"As one investor said in 2009: 'This is worse than divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth – and I still have my wife.'” – 2010
"Indeed, a good underwriter needs an independent mindset akin to that of the senior citizen who received a call from his wife while driving home. 'Albert, be careful,' she warned, 'I just heard on the radio that there’s a car going the wrong way down the Interstate.' 'Mabel, they don’t know the half of it,' replied Albert, 'It’s not just one car, there are hundreds of them.'" – 2011
"Remember the late Barton Biggs’ observation: 'A bull market is like sex. It feels best just before it ends.'” – 2013
blackcap
25-09-2018, 08:17 PM
"Nobody does it bedder,
Makes me feel sad for the rest,
Nobody lies, half as good as you,
Oh Cindy, you're the best
The country wasn't lookin', but somehow you found us,
We tried to hide from your socialist light,
But like Winston above you,
The crook who used you,
Oh Cindy your'e the best........"
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