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arco
20-05-2005, 09:47 AM
One girl, just after her childhood, started doing a part-time job, in a brush factory. In a few months time, she found hair appearing in her secret area, and she was very upset. Day by day, the hair started growing, and she thought this was an effect of the brushes, and that her secret area was converting into a brush. So she decided to quit the job.

She went to meet her boss, who was a middle-aged gentleman, and told him that she was leaving the company. So the the boss asked her why she wanted to leave.
She said, "Look what the brushes are doing to me. A brush has started appearing right here" and showed him her secret area.

The boss, trying to educate her in this subject said, "Look child; this is quite a natural phenomena. It has nothing to do with the brushes. this happens to every one at your age. Look what we got" and showed her his secret area. The girl became horrified, and said "Oh my god! You have got the handle also!", and left the place immediately.

peat
20-05-2005, 09:59 AM
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor
gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like
this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothin. Then I tried with my left
hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left,
still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and
she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied,

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open

zyreon
20-05-2005, 02:07 PM
not exactly a joke, just a website with some honest attempts of some JPY'rs to communicate via english:

http://www.engrish.com/recent_detail.php?imagename=our-fine-source.jpg&category=Bags/Packaging&date=2005-05-13

Xerof
17-06-2005, 02:53 PM
How do they know its 12 o'clock in Neverland?

When the big hand touches the little hand.....

New Tui's billboard - JACKSON INNOCENT - yeah right

Xerof
17-06-2005, 03:06 PM
Wacko's flying back to Neverland with a plane load of children on board.

Captain says "the planes going down, Michael, we've three parachutes - one each for me and the co-pilot and one for you"

Michael "what about the children?"

Captain " f@#k the children!!"

Michael "Oh, do we have enough time?"

slam
17-06-2005, 03:11 PM
:D:Dnasty

arco
17-06-2005, 03:11 PM
Q: Where's Michael J going on holiday?
A: He's off to Tampa with the kids.



It was reported the other day that Michael Jackson wants to be one of the first civilians to travel into space.
A spokesperson for NASA said, "We're fine with the idea but the only problem is Jackson insists on coming back".

peat
20-06-2005, 07:02 PM
2 financial market theorists were walking down the a busy street. The 1st pointed out a $100 USD bill on the sidewalk. The 2nd commented that this could not be possible, surely if it was a $100 USD bill someone would have picked it up by now. The 1st agreed, there is no way that there could really be money on the sidewalk of such a busy street. So without picking up the money or investigating further, they proceeded on their way.

Not really funny, just a dig I guess

I prefer the one that says if u have enough economists standing in a row to go all the way around the world they still wouldnt reach a conclusion.

slam
22-06-2005, 12:59 PM
The 2005 Darwin Awards[8D]
Hope not too many of you have already heard them

A few classics amongst this lot......


Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us. Here then, is the
glorious winner.

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California , would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....


And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean (I remember
this!) bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to
be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to
admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to
the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head
at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief
on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made
of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m. , flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.


A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! (Which proves there is justice in this
world.)

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged a siphon hose int

peat
05-07-2005, 02:45 PM
Lions Rugby Tour Shock.
>The Lions team training session was delayed today for nearly two hours.
>One of the players, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance at the end of the field.
>
>Coach Clive Woodward immediately suspended practice while the Police were called in to investigate.
>
>After a complete field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the try line. Practice was resumed when the officials decided that it was unlikely that the team would encounter the substance again.

miner
05-07-2005, 02:48 PM
:D[8D]

peat
10-07-2005, 06:04 PM
A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver,
a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and
YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you
give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to
get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another
NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a
MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an
email on his Blackberry, and after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy
and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says
the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man
thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer
I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know
anything about my business. Now give me back my DOG."

peat
20-07-2005, 06:46 PM
did you hear about the new games show on tv soon
called "Game of two and a half ounces"

miner
15-09-2005, 10:20 AM
>> > >>>We always hear"the rules"from the female point of view... Now here
>> are
>> > >>>the rules from the male side.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON
>> > >>>PURPOSE!
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
>> put
>> it
>> > >>>down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
>> complaining
>> > >>>about you leaving it down.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
>> tides.
>> > >>>Let it be.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
>> it
>> > >>>that way.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. Crying is blackmail.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
>> do
>> > >>>not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just
>> say
>> > >>>it!
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every
>> question.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it.
>> That's
>> > >>>what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
>> fact,
>> > >>>all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
>> Expect
>> us
>> > >>>to act like soap opera guys.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
>> ways
>> > >>>makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it
>> done.
>> > >>>Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
>> yourself.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
>> > >>>commercials.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
>> Peach,
>> > >>>for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
>> have no
>> > >>>idea what mauve is.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask
>> what
>> is
>> > >>>wrong and you say "nothing," ! We will act like nothing's wrong. We
>> know
>> > >>>you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
>> > >>>
>> > >>>1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an
>> answer
>> > >>>you don't want to hear.
>> > >>>
>> > &gt

slam
16-09-2005, 09:33 AM
Why Help Never Arrived:D

http://www.nzwebservice.co.nz/4xcharts/image001.jpg

arco
16-09-2005, 09:53 AM
Food label 1.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/images/foodeat5.jpg

peat
16-09-2005, 10:15 AM
Max just annnounced three weeks holiday so no updates today
thats pretty funny from where I stand so I put it in this thread
(unbelievable)

arco
16-09-2005, 10:33 AM
Morning Peat

Amazing is all I can say.

His Quote. My standard subscription fee for individuals
is US$190 per month which hundreds of people the world-over
pay me

So,lets work it out.

Say 300 punters worlwide paying $190 pm = $57,000 pm

Any need to trade? Perhaps not.

Xerof
16-09-2005, 10:34 AM
Hehe, I thought that would make your day Peat[B)][B)]

arco
16-09-2005, 10:38 AM
Those who can, do; those who can't, <s>teach</s> sell signals

--George Bernard Shaw--

peat
16-09-2005, 10:42 AM
well guess that kinda forces me to go it alone for a while.....
but yeh no mention of that only a couple of weeks ago when I paid the smackers over...

perhaps he needs a holiday given the calls lately ... and perhaps he will be all refreshed + rejuvenated when he comes back

it just seems a bit naff to get me longing the Eur , then watch it fall solidly for HOW many days and then bugger off ....

i'm still smiling tho (not exactly sure why)
oh yeh its coz the girl came around last night and brought some wonderful salmon steaks for entree [:p]

any advice on my long possie guys ?
hold or bail ?

arco
16-09-2005, 10:48 AM
Peat
Whats you entry price?

peat
16-09-2005, 10:50 AM
oh my a sad answer

1.2503
1.2418
1.2309

arco
16-09-2005, 11:09 AM
Peat

You will definately need to place tighter stop
losses on future orders.

I'll place some thoughts over on the EUR thread.

Xerof
22-09-2005, 08:17 PM
How to Make a Woman Happy



It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY


1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

peat
05-10-2005, 08:14 AM
Hunting Accident
Phil and Doug are out in the bush hunting, when
Doug falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing,
his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Phil whips out his cell phone and calls 111. He gasps to the
operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I
can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
...There is a silence, then a shot is heard..... Phil says,"OK, now what?"

peat
07-10-2005, 01:21 PM
IRAQ TV Listing Guide

Monday
8:00 Husseinfeld.
8:30 Mad About Everything.
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions.
9:30 Allah McBeal.

Tuesday
8:00 Wheel of MisFortune and Terror.
8:30 The Price Is Right if Saddam Says It's Right.
9:00 Children Are Forbidden to Say the Darndest Things.
9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers.

Wednesday
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer.
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy.
9:00 Just Shoot Me.
9:30 Veilwatch.

Thursday
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi.
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H.
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses.
9:30 My Two Baghdads.

Friday
8:00 Judge Saddam.
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things.
9:00 Achmed's Creek.
9:30 Nowitness News.

Xerof
15-11-2005, 10:29 PM
From the London lads this morning -


A couple were invited to a s.w.a.n.k.y family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

Xerof
22-11-2005, 06:47 PM
Not so much a joke, but a challenge to see if you're up to being an FX trader:D:D

I'll put the answer up later on


Count every "F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...


How many? One post each

peat
23-11-2005, 06:56 AM
well its gotta be a trick but i can only see 3 F's

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of birdflu. If you experience any of the following,please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap onsomeone's windshield

slam
23-11-2005, 07:35 AM
quote:Originally posted by Xerof

Not so much a joke, but a challenge to see if you're up to being an FX trader:D:D

How many? One post each


6 ;)

Xerof
23-11-2005, 07:40 AM
Well, stick to the day job Peat, Slam, you're technically a genius, but then I could have guessed that - you live in Christchurch:D:D

6 it is - apparently the brain does not immediately register the word 'of'.

Look now Peat, you'll see 6 easily!

Ahem, I said 3 too[xx(][xx(]

Xerof

OldRider
23-11-2005, 07:46 AM
Strange isn't it how the brain works, something to do with pattern recognition and being able to skip over some words, seeing them but not seeing them - try reading the sentence backwards, number right first time?

peat
23-11-2005, 07:48 AM
aaargh i hate that **** heheh
yeh day job it is for me I'm afraid

well i least i get the best jokes around here....

slam
23-11-2005, 08:30 AM
Must admit I have seen it before;)
But still had to look at it a few times to get them all


Try This One

http://www.patmedia.net/marklevinson/cool/cool_illusion.html

Don't always see what is there, explains my trading latley[B)]

Cheers
Slam

Xerof
11-01-2006, 09:03 AM
Probably heard this before but it made me giggle.....

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the flu and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher, "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious"

peat
11-01-2006, 09:08 AM
just as well the sharetrade spell check doesnt pick up on that sort of Irish !! ;+)

peat
11-01-2006, 02:55 PM
saw this just now and well even tho its been around thought I would add it here coz its goin with the Irish theme....


John o reilly hoisted his beer and said, Heres to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.
She said Aye did ye now. And what was your toast?.
John said, Heres to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.
Oh that is very nice indeed John! Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Johns drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.
She said, Aye, he told me, and i was a bit surprised meself. You know, hes only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time i had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

Xerof
17-01-2006, 07:50 AM
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife shoulder again and says, "Do you have a dental appointment too?"

Xerof
17-01-2006, 07:51 AM
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know,"the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon,the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know,honey,"the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." I wouldn't be surprised," came the reply, "One's in your coffee and the other is in your cereal."

Xerof
17-01-2006, 07:52 AM
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Madam, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

Xerof
16-02-2006, 06:33 PM
More despatches from the London lads - must be bored too...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it
in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

peat
12-07-2006, 06:24 PM
The Bank of England decision to keep rates unchanged was expected.

The only member of its rate-setting committee to have voted for a rate hike in May and June, David Walton, died before July's meeting.

peat
08-09-2006, 06:52 AM
"After a long day, an exhausted, frustrated trader is standing in front of the elevator, waiting to go home. Elevator doors open, and he sees his chief market analyst. Trader looks at him and says, 'OK, now can you tell me which way it is – up or down

arco
08-10-2006, 06:17 PM
And similarly........................

One evening while having dinner with a fundamentalist I accidentally knocked a sharp knife off the edge of the table. He watched the knife twirl through the air, as it came to rest, with the pointed end sticking into his shoe.
“Why didn’t you move your foot?“ I exclaimed.
“I was waiting for it to come back up“, he replied.

- Ed Seykota -

arco
12-10-2006, 03:27 PM
Every forex trader should get one of these............

http://my.estoresnw.com/kap/ProductImages/C-toilet-computer-C.jpg

[:0]

peat
16-11-2006, 08:20 AM
Borat

http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/0,2106,3860039a1860,00.html

ok so its not really clean , but its bloody funny
looking forward to his movie too.

arco
24-05-2007, 08:19 PM
A man calls his fx dealer all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Close all my positions, everything fast, right away."

The fx dealer tries to talk to the man but the man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."

"Yes, go on," the FX dealer says.

"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the GBP crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the FX market and always leave all our money under the mattress."

"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because you are losing."

"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."

arco
24-05-2007, 08:50 PM
THE CHANGING FACE OF CAPITALISM

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one and buy a bull.
* Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
* You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM (or Enro-capitalism):
* You have two cows.
* You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy influence with a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You sell one, accept an LAW tax promised credit payable in 4 year's time, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
* You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk
* You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
* You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You count them and learn you have five cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
* You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
* You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
* You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* You have 300 people milking them.
* You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
* You have two cows.
* That one on the left is kinda cute...

miner
24-05-2007, 09:13 PM
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?.....the 1993 hide and go seek winner.

arco
28-05-2007, 03:09 PM
Nice one Miner :D

___________________________________________

Not a joke - but interesting nevertheless

Types of Lurker

Malevolent lurkers

Some lurkers may attempt to heavily involve themselves in the administration of a moderated forum by repeatedly alerting moderators to comments which offend their political or moral point of view, but refrain from participating in the discussion directly. Some of these lurkers occasionally post comments praising moderators, usually in an effort to curry favor.

Benign lurkers

Most lurkers, however, are either shy, feel inadequately educated on a given topic, or are uncomfortable expressing their thoughts in written form on email lists. They enjoy reading others' posts and responses to them, but refrain from adding their own contributions. They have been known to send comments off-list, to individual posters, which are frequently positive.

Constructive lurkers

The constructive lurker is a person who regularly reads online forums but rarely posts. These individuals might have a high degree of sophistication within the topic of any given forum, but are unwilling to post detailed replies. Lurkers of this sort are not shy about posting. When these lurkers do post, they often provide well thought-out and detailed comment to the discussion at hand. A constructive lurker is often a veteran of several previous online discussion forums. Having been involved in many heated online discussions in the past, these lurkers often only contribute when the discussion takes a novel turn.

Smart-Ass lurkers

The "smart-ass lurker" is a person who watches a discussion take place, only to intervene with a derisive comment or "gotcha" comment that sends up the active participants (from a smug, detached position).

Perverted lurkers

The "perverted lurker" is a person who watches online discussions for the purposes of sexual arousal. They are often condemned by moderators and participants of topics such as women's issues and transsexualism, because they find their presence degrading. They may observe topics that are not prurient in and of themselves such as fashion, hair, and medical discussion boards. They may for instance, find something arousing in a discussion on breast cancer.

Starcraft Lurker

In the RTS game franchise StarCraft, produced by Blizzard Entertainment, lurkers are a ground unit of the zerg, one of the three playable races in the game. It possesses the unique ability of being able to attack enemy ground units while burrowed, sending out rows of spikes to impale its enemies. Without use of a detection unit, the lurker can remain hidden indefinately, attacking, and usually destroying, any enemy unit that wanders past. The lurker unit was added to gameplay in the Brood War expansion pack.

wikipedia

peat
28-05-2007, 07:49 PM
did someone mention Starcraft? [8D]
The three most dreaded words in the English language.
"Nuclear Launch Detected"
http://www.creepcolony.com/ss42.jpg

arco
24-07-2007, 04:48 PM
Very funny.......

Robber shot accomplice in bread roll heist

TWO people have pleaded guilty over an armed robbery where one of the crooks was accidentally shot by his accomplice as the pair attempted to steal a bag of bread rolls.

Benjamin Jorgensen, 37, of Brooklyn, and Donna Hayes, 36, of Belgrave, today pleaded guilty at Melbourne Magistrates Court over the bungled robbery at the Cuckoo Restaurant in Olinda in Melbourne's outer east on April 1 this year.

They planned the robbery after Hayes was tipped off by an unnamed person that the manager of the restaurant would have at least $30,000 in a plastic bag at the end of the shift, according to a police summary tendered to the court.

As the manager left the restaurant after midnight carrying a plastic bag, Jorgensen pointed a loaded sawn-off shotgun at him and demanded he hand over the bag.

Jorgensen then accidentally discharged the firearm as his accomplice ran up to him from behind, shooting her in the left hip.

In another twist to the saga, instead of $30,000, the bag contained $5 worth of bread rolls.

The pair – who were previously a couple and have two children – pleaded guilty to one count of armed robbery and Jorgensen also pleaded guilty to negligently causing injury.

They appeared in court by video-link and Magistrate Peter Reardon remanded them in custody for a plea hearing at the Victorian County Court in November.

http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,22126739-29277,00.html

arco
25-07-2007, 04:58 PM
Wee mistake lands maid in jail

July 25, 2007 02:42pm
Article from: Reuters

AN Indonesian maid has been jailed for six days in Hong Kong for serving her boss a cup of water containing urine..

The 29-year-old pleaded guilty to a charge of "administering poison or other destructive or noxious substance with intent to injure", but insisted she had used the urine to treat a skin condition and its appearance in her employer's cup was a mistake.

Her boss, Szeto Ching-han, smelled the urine after asking for a cup of water, and then asked the maid to drink it - which she did.

Mr Szeto, however, kept the liquid to have it tested in a lab, the South China Morning Post said.

The defence argued that the maid's employer had not drunk the urine and the substance was not poisonous.

"The only contact the former employer had with the so-called poisonous mixture was the smell," her lawyer was quoted as telling the court.

The magistrate who heard the case said there was no evidence that the maid had suffered any harm after drinking from the cup, but still gave her a six-day jail sentence, saying the court "must send a message to the public".

Maids from the Philippines, Indonesia and Sri Lanka are often the subject of court cases in richer neighbours such as Hong Kong and Singapore, but usually as the victims of rape or other abuse by their employers.

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22132191-38197,00.html?from=public_rss

arco
27-07-2007, 03:05 PM
Car made of vegetables hits 240km/h

By David Wilkes in London July 27, 2007
Article from: Herald Sun


THE tyres are made of potatoes and the brake pads from ground cashew shells.

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22142165-13762,00.html?from=public_rss

arco
30-07-2007, 08:28 PM
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault.

arco
18-08-2007, 05:25 PM
From Times Online
August 15, 2007
The world's strangest laws

Did you know it's illegal in France to name a pig Napoleon? Or that in Ohio you're not allowed to get a fish drunk? Alex Wade celebrates the spirit of the silly season with a list of the world's most ridiculous laws

25. It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses.

24. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.

23. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.

22. In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon.

21. Under the UK’s Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you don’t want him to know, though you don’t have to tell him anything you don’t mind him knowing.

20. In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.

19. In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.

18. Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.

17. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants – even, if she so requests, in a policeman’s helmet.

16. In Lancashire, no person is permitted after being asked to stop by a constable on the seashore to incite a dog to bark.

15. In Miami, Florida, it is illegal to skateboard in a police station.

14. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.

13. In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day.

12. In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll; they are also allowed to drive geese down Cheapside.

11. In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.

10. In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle.

9. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.

8. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long.

7. In Chester, Welshmen are banned from entering the city before sunrise and from staying after sunset.

6. In the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

5. In Boulder, Colorado, it is illegal to kill a bird within the city limits and also to “own” a pet – the town’s citizens, legally speaking, are merely “pet minders”.

4. In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

3. In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague.

2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination; he may only see their reflection in a mirror.

1. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast is legally the property of the King; the tail, on the other hand, belongs to the Queen - in case she needs the bones for her corset.

With thanks to: Donald Stewart at Faegre & Benson; John Barnett at Burges Salmon; Robert Crossley at Walker Morris; James Odds at Matthew Arnold & Baldwin; and Dan Kieran, author of I Fought The Law (Bantam Press).

http://business.timesonline.co.uk/to...cle2251280.ece

arco
28-08-2007, 11:13 PM
A little girl asked her Mum, “Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mum replies, "No, because she is on heat." What does that mean?" asked the child. Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said..... "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block so another dog is pushing her home."

arco
29-08-2007, 09:05 AM
We've all heard about people having 'guts' or 'balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, and being met by the wife, with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on her buttocks and having the balls to say: "You're next."

arco
29-08-2007, 09:08 AM
http://www.infolanka.com/jokes/images/55.jpg

arco
29-08-2007, 09:13 AM
http://www.infolanka.com/jokes/images/61.jpg

arco
11-09-2007, 04:35 PM
Perhaps one of the best singles ads ever

"SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your car (whatever make or model -- I'm not fussy), hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call 503-898-xxxx, and ask for Daisy. I'll be waiting."

More than 15,000 men found themselves talking to the ASPCA about an 8-week-old Labrador retriever.

arco
11-09-2007, 05:08 PM
Nude carpenter walks free

Monday, September 10, 2007

A carpenter caught hammering nails and sawing wood in the nude has been found by a judge to be not guilty of indecent exposure.

Alameda County Superior Court Judge Julie Conger ruled Thursday that although Percy Honniball of Oakland was naked, he was not acting lewdly or seeking sexual gratification.

Honniball, 51, was arrested last year after he was spotted building cabinets naked at a home where he had been hired to work.

The carpenter has said he likes to work in the nude because it is more comfortable and it helps him keep his clothes clean.

Honniball earned two years' probation in 2003 after being caught three times working naked in Berkeley, which prohibits public nudity. Oakland does not have a similar ban.

http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=65424&in_page_id=2&ito=newsnow

arco
11-09-2007, 10:35 PM
http://www.infolanka.com/jokes/images/102.jpg

arco
11-09-2007, 10:47 PM
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form And then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never Let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some Actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance Engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget Pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget


Best regards

Steve McNicoll

Project Engineer
Smorgon Steel Manufacturing
Maud St
Waratah NSW 2298

arco
12-09-2007, 03:06 PM
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http://www.10-7.com/humor/photopages/airline%20takeoff.jpg

arco
12-09-2007, 03:13 PM
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http://www.10-7.com/humor/photopages/funny.jpg

arco
18-09-2007, 04:41 PM
http://www.infolanka.com/jokes/images/104.jpg

arco
22-09-2007, 08:27 AM
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http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/7170/1633/1600/catphoto4.jpg

arco
25-09-2007, 07:15 PM
Not too sure what happened to that beautiful picture of a Sphynx Cat....anyway, no way to edit, so onward........................................


Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school
for it.



Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children
by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his
words.

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all
present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to
and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on
her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and
shot.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q: What is your relationship with the victim?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

arco
27-09-2007, 08:34 AM
A woman walks into the Mangere Social Welfare Office, trailed by 15 kids.
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?"
"Yes they are all mine," the flustered Mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Rangi."
All the children rush to find seats.
Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest; he is Rangi."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one, he is Rangi, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Rangi. Then
she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Rangi!
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are
they ALL named Rangi?"
Their Mother replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Rangi!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Rangi!' an' they all
come running.
An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just
yell Rangi' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever
had, namin' them all Rangi."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Then I call them by their last names."

arco
27-09-2007, 04:52 PM
http://www.10-7.com/humor/photopages/wendys.jpg

arco
05-10-2007, 06:27 PM
Negligent homicide charges have been dropped against a former Lake Jackson woman who had been accused of killing her husband with a sherry enema that led to alcohol poisoning.

Court records show the charge against Tammy Jean Warner, 45, of Texas City, was dismissed Aug. 31 because of insufficient evidence, the Houston Chronicle reported in its online edition Wednesday.

Michael Warner, 58, died May 21, 2004. An autopsy showed he had been given an enema with enough sherry to have a blood alcohol level of 0.47 percent, almost six times the legal limit of .08 percent in Texas.

Tammy Warner has told the newspaper that her husband was addicted to enemas and often used alcohol in them to get drunk.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2007/10/03/national/a184743D12.DTL&type=bondage

peat
05-10-2007, 06:40 PM
yeh saw that the other day, crazy stuff
guess its one way to cope with 'nil by mouth'!

peat
05-10-2007, 07:45 PM
From another forum
A chick wanting to get married wrote.....


What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810


THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.

Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said, here's how I see it.Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So, in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout. By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.Classic "pump and dump."

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.
__________________________________________
Timo Weiland
Deutsche Bank Securities, Inc.
Global Investment Banking | TMT Group
60 Wall Street | 43rd floor | Mail Stop: NYC60-4310
New York, NY 10005
mobile: +1 (904) 333-2020
office: +1 (212) 250-8367
facsimile: +1 (212) 797-4347
email:
timothy-robert.weiland@db.com <mailto:timothy-robert.weiland@db.com

peat
08-10-2007, 11:34 AM
What's the difference between the All Blacks and a teabag?


























The teabag stays in the cup longer...

arco
08-10-2007, 02:07 PM
Nice one Peat..................

and on a lighter note..........the new arm of the law........no BS



http://www.10-7.com/humor/photopages/sheriffcarpaintjob.jpg

dumbass
08-10-2007, 02:23 PM
difference between cinderella and the all blacks ????
























cinderella got to the ball

arco
26-10-2007, 03:32 PM
One day an out of work mime artist is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime artist that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime artist a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tyres.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime artist a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime artist keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime artist is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime artist is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime artist starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime artist soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

arco
26-10-2007, 04:44 PM
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular
soap".

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion:
Defrost".

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not
turn upside down".

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot
after heating".

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on
body".

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or
operate machinery after taking this medication".

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness.."


On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or
outdoor use only".

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the
other use."

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions:
Open packet, eat nuts".

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment
does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain
with your hands or genitals.

arco
14-11-2007, 01:25 PM
A women asked a man who was travelling with six children, "Are all these kids yours ???"


The man answered "No, I work in a condom factory & these are all customer complaints."

arco
14-11-2007, 01:30 PM
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman promptly handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

peat
14-11-2007, 05:06 PM
I;ve dredged this out of the archives so you may have heard it before


A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor! It hurts whenever I press here."
And he demonstrates by pressing on part of his upper arm. "It also hurts here" he says, pressing on the side of his neck. "And here..." this time pressing gingerly on his knee.
At this point the doctor interrupts, asking "You aren't by any chance from Australia are you?"
The man replies, "Why yes, Doctor, I am."
"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a broken finger."

arco
16-11-2007, 11:21 AM
http://www.infolanka.com/jokes/images/112.jpghttp://www.infolanka.com/jokes/images/109.jpg

Xerof
16-11-2007, 12:45 PM
Why isn't the one on the left carrying the half dozen instead of holding his hand?
The guy on the right also has to carry the umbrella AND a beer...Jeeez


:D:D

arco
16-11-2007, 02:25 PM
http://www.infolanka.com/jokes/images/111.jpg

arco
16-11-2007, 03:03 PM
English couple judged too fat by Immigration Service

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 02:51p.m.


An English couple trying to work in New Zealand has had trouble getting here because the Immigration Service says they are too fat.
Richie Trezise, who is a submarine cable specialist, has been headhunted by Telecom but was told his Body Mass Index of 42 meant he was morbidly obese.
The Immigration Service told Mr Trezise, he would have to trim down before he would be granted a work visa.
He went on a crash diet to lose the weight and pass the test, and he has subsequently been here since September.

But his wife Rowan is still in Britain trying to lose her extra kilos and Mr Trezise says if she does not make it here by Christmas he will return home for good.

http://www.tv3.co.nz/News/NationalNews/EnglishcouplejudgedtoofatbyImmigrationService/tabid/423/articleID/39352/cat/64/Default.aspx

Craig3215
16-11-2007, 09:10 PM
SYDNEY (AFP) - Santas in Australia's largest city have been told not to use Father Christmas's traditional "ho ho ho" greeting because it may be offensive to women, it was reported Thursday.

Sydney's Santa Clauses have instead been instructed to say "ha ha ha" instead, the Daily Telegraph reported.

One disgruntled Santa told the newspaper a recruitment firm warned him not to use "ho ho ho" because it could frighten children and was too close to "ho", a US slang term for prostitute.


http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20071115/wl_asia_afp/lifestyleaustraliachristmasoffbeat

arco
19-11-2007, 09:17 PM
http://www.infolanka.com/jokes/images/108.jpg

arco
21-11-2007, 02:21 PM
http://www.infolanka.com/jokes/images/110.jpg

peat
21-11-2007, 02:37 PM
http://img214.imageshack.us/img214/9456/image002rh8.gif

peat
21-11-2007, 02:38 PM
http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/9457/image005tk3.gif (http://imageshack.us)

arco
21-11-2007, 02:38 PM
http://www.infolanka.com/jokes/images/78.jpg

peat
21-11-2007, 02:40 PM
http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/7398/image004ma0.gif (http://imageshack.us)

arco
21-11-2007, 02:41 PM
http://www.infolanka.com/jokes/images/53.jpg

peat
21-11-2007, 02:42 PM
http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/830/image011mk0.gif (http://imageshack.us)

arco
29-11-2007, 09:41 AM
Dear Respectfully,

My warmest greeting to you in the name of the Lord.

I am writing this letter with due respect and heartful of tears since we have not known or met ourselves previously.
I am Miss Vivian Ohans and I inherited this sum from my late father who died in recent crisis in Cote d'Ivoire. I wish to request for your assistance in investing this sum in lucrative venture or manufacturing and real estate management in your country. I have Eight million,Seven hundred thousand United State Dollars. USD($8,700,000) to invest and I will require your assistance in receiving the fund in your account. I will be glad to give you some reasonable percent from the total sum for your assistance.


Before the death of my father on September 14/9/2005, he gave me all the necessary legal documentation concerning the deposit of the fund in the bank, I am 21 years old and a university undergraduate and really don't know what to do. Now I want an account overseas where I can transfer this funds and after the transaction I will come and reside permanently in your country till such a time that it will be convinient for me to return back home if I so desire. This is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incessant political crisis here in Ivory coast. The death of my father actually brought sorrow to my life. I also want to invest the fund under your care because I am ignorant of business world.
I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards. Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded. Now permit me to ask these few questions:
1. Can you honestly help me from your heart?
2. Can I completely trust you?
3. What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for you after the money is in your account?
Please, consider this and get back to me as soon as possible. Immedaitely I confirm your willingness, I will send to you my picture and also give you more details about myself and the bank where my late father deposited the fund, so that you can reach the bank and confirm the existence of the fund as well, because seeing is believing.

Awaiting your immediate response and may God bless you.
Best Regards
Miss Vivian Ohans
vivian_ohan021@yahoo.co.in
vivian_ohans4@yahoo.co.jp

peat
29-11-2007, 12:11 PM
heres a joke except I'm only laughing now I'm back home.

I pop out for a second this morning with just shorts and a t-shirt on and the door locks behind me. Bugger. No phone - no keys - no money.

Walk to Epsom from CBD in bare feet to get the girls key. That ashphalt is hot, I now have some wonderful blisters.

arco
29-11-2007, 02:19 PM
Reminds me of the time I was decorating an outbuilding in very high temperatures with just my shorts on......a gust of wind blew the house door closed, and you guessed - it locked me out......I had no keys, no shoes, no money, no mobile, and all the windows were on security latches, etc, etc, plus it was a Friday afternoon, I was out in the country and it was around 5pm .....

pedro.nz
29-11-2007, 02:26 PM
and so I......

peat
29-11-2007, 03:03 PM
definitely post of the day !


and so I......

dumbass
29-11-2007, 05:20 PM
Vote For Pedro

peat
29-11-2007, 06:12 PM
so yeh this was my wallpaper on my work computer a while back
I just had to post it
no offense.

http://www.biggie.co.nz/interaction/forum/images/smiles/bluewink.gif

pedro.nz
29-11-2007, 07:10 PM
:D I just couldn't help myself ;)

peat
03-12-2007, 09:18 PM
sharetrader was offline for a few minutes this was their placemaker page


Sorry, the board is unavailable at the moment while we are testing some functionality.

Should only be about five minutes, pleae feel free to have a coffee, ciggie, JD on the rocks, line of coke or any other vice you so desire for the next couple of minutes

arco
01-01-2008, 07:14 PM
Nude blonde visits petrol station creating public disturbance

http://www.funreports.com/img/1592.jpegA mysterious blonde paid a visit to a petrol station shop in the small eastern German town http://www.funreports.com/img/1591.jpeg
of Doemitz on Sunday -wearing nothing but a pair of golden stilettos and a thin gold bracelet.
The tall, slender woman strolled into the shop in the town of Doemitz on the warm afternoon and bought cigarettes, petrol station employee Ines Swoboda told Reuters on Monday.
"I wasn't surprised because she's come in naked before -- she's a very nice woman," Swoboda said, adding none of the other customers were bothered. The woman could have faced charges of creating a public disturbance if anyone had complained.
A quick-witted customer did, however, snap pictures of the woman believed to be about 30 years old as she walked back to a waiting Ferrari and climbed into the passenger seat. Several of those photos appeared in the German media on Monday.

peat
02-01-2008, 04:21 PM
nice tatts

so yeh my wallpaper

arco
02-01-2008, 07:08 PM
Did you mean tatts :)

arco
02-01-2008, 07:20 PM
Belated Happy Christmas

http://english.pravda.ru/photo/report/playboy-1323

arco
24-01-2008, 01:34 PM
http://www.kunstler.com/eyesore_200712c.jpg


What were they thinking about when they passed this through planning...........

http://www.kunstler.com/eyesore_200712.html

miner
24-01-2008, 01:55 PM
Looking at it they were high on mushrooms at the time

peat
24-01-2008, 02:04 PM
yes - very avante garde - Prague architecture is typically very beautiful.

peat
24-01-2008, 02:50 PM
I find the concept of an airport claiming itself to be carbon neutral pretty funny

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/1/story.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10488529

arco
24-01-2008, 04:22 PM
http://www.kunstler.com/Eyesore_200801B.jpg

http://www.kunstler.com/eyesore.html

arco
25-01-2008, 12:09 PM
http://www.maldivesroyalfamily.com/Images/burugaa_on_beach.jpg

http://www.maldivesroyalfamily.com/editorial_burugaa_nz.shtml

peat
25-01-2008, 12:27 PM
this is a family forum Arco please dont push the bounds of decency. :o
;)

Interesting legal questions raised in that article about Muslims here in NZ and who their allegiance belongs to if they become residents.

arco
25-01-2008, 12:52 PM
Peat

I particularly 'enjoyed' the audacity of this sentance........

Fouzya Salim told the judge that she had compromised to New Zealand sensibilities by exposing part of her nakedness since her arrival here. She had removed the mosquito netting that covered the eye-slit in her burqa! New Zealand ought to be thankful for small mercies!

Sales of mosquito netting in NZ have probably fallen to an all time low.

:)

peat
25-01-2008, 01:27 PM
I tend to agree that in a court of law one should literally face up to the court and/or ones accusers. do what you like at home but in certain situations you must accept that this is not a Muslim nation and while there is 'freedom of religion' there may be some small compromises should you choose to live here.

arco
26-01-2008, 01:29 PM
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, Iron this."

arco
26-01-2008, 10:35 PM
http://www.somersoft.com/forums/gallery/data/500/Truck7.JPG

peat
28-01-2008, 12:07 AM
SocGen's Executive Chairman Daniel Bouton compared the bank's downfall to a Greek tragedy as Kerviel desperately attempted to conceal his huge bets on a fall in stock market prices, but only deepened his predicament in the process.
Kerviel was able for months to keep one step ahead of his supervisors by manipulating fictitious trades and evading checks like "a mutating virus", Bouton said in an interview with Paris daily Le Figaro published on Saturday.
http://img227.imageshack.us/img227/8835/jeromekerviel1sy1.gif (http://imageshack.us)

arco
05-02-2008, 07:42 PM
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/970403/amazing_photos/

peat
09-02-2008, 11:10 AM
These ads for an American Mortgage company are really funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gC8s6qFrW8Y

arco
13-02-2008, 09:33 AM
Heather Mills an 'insatiable' sex maniac


....an interesting read :rolleyes:

http://www.stuff.co.nz/4399421a1860.html

Craig3215
13-02-2008, 04:43 PM
"Heather has a very unusual erogenous zone - her stump. I used to massage one particular area and it gave her an orgasm."

Before I read this article I didn't think I had anything in common with her

pedro.nz
13-02-2008, 04:49 PM
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the POMS, in the weeks that followed, Australian scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the Aussie newspapers read: "Australian archaeologists have found traces of 150 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Brits.

One week later, Maori TV reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in his backyard in Te Kuiti, Hone Waiata, a King Country Kaumatua, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Hone has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Maori had already gone wireless.

peat
22-02-2008, 02:00 PM
Some say the Global Finance Crisis (GFC) began in East Africa when a rogue monkey trader defaulted on a subprime banana futures derivative deal...



http://www.nbr.co.nz/home/column_article.asp?id=20362&cid=39&cname=NBR+Comment

arco
23-02-2008, 11:24 AM
Thanks Peat - very enlightening - and mostly true I suspect.....

.........In Auckland, the main knock-on effect has been a marked increase in traffic congestion. A reason-for-travel survey of motorists reveals that 57.5&#37; are driving around the city trying to get their money back.

Of them, 22% are looking for their finance company's new location and 35.5% are searching for the new apartment they thought they were renting out in the CBD.

The balance of drivers surveyed are engaged in the city's other main economic activities - delivering pizza or running pre-wrinkled clothes out to the airport for newly-arrived ironing franchisees...........

arco
13-03-2008, 07:13 PM
Woman sat on boyfriend's toilet for two years

Thursday, 13 March, 2008
A US woman’s skin had to be surgically removed, after she spent two years on a toilet

http://news.sbs.com.au/shared/medialibrary//pjpeg/toilet_1303_2_A_aap_1205364776.jpg

US authorities are considering charging a man whose girlfriend sat on his toilet for two years, and ended up stuck there when her skin eventually grew around the plastic seat.

Sheriff Bryan Whipple in Ness City, Texas, says she initially refused emergency medical services, but was finally convinced by police, medical officers and her boyfriend to go to hospital.

He says they had to break the seat off the toilet, and doctors at the hospital removed it from her skin.

Sheriff Whipple says the boyfriend told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

Her reply would be, 'Maybe tomorrow'.

The boyfriend eventually called police on February 27 and the county attorney will decide whether any charges should be filed against him.

http://news.sbs.com.au/worldnewsaustralia/woman_sat_on_boyfriend39s_toilet_for_two_years_542 679

peat
13-03-2008, 07:57 PM
guess she felt a little bogged down in the relationship

(sorry, but it had to be said)

arco
14-03-2008, 03:07 PM
.................it was just her way of becoming a member
of the effluent society

moe
14-03-2008, 05:04 PM
I heard she looked a bit flushed when she arrived at hospital....

arco
14-03-2008, 07:41 PM
.........apparantly some of the time she thought
she was sitting on a stool

arco
31-03-2008, 05:25 PM
http://www.dumbcrooks.com/gallery/albums/police-cars/Dodge_Viper_Police_Car.jpg

arco
31-03-2008, 05:26 PM
http://www.dumbcrooks.com/gallery/albums/police-cars/Boot_on_police_car.jpg

arco
31-03-2008, 06:18 PM
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley,
and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!

skeet
31-03-2008, 10:47 PM
What do you call a dog with one leg??



Heather

;)

arco
01-04-2008, 08:54 AM
The Heather Mills joke thread -
http://board.dogbomb.co.uk/showthread.php?t=45245

Mrs Mills- McCartney is said to be distraught over the split "He has
been my crutch for so long!!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have
no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she
will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk out
on a relationship like this"

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage, Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing
a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and
subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn't been signed it
is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on

Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have
been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get
her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said "he would get
home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new prosthetic leg
for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift was a
plane but then he gave her a Ladyshave for the other leg.

dumbass
01-04-2008, 09:07 AM
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new prosthetic leg
for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift was a
plane but then he gave her a Ladyshave for the other leg.
__________________
im still laughing

Craig3215
04-04-2008, 12:05 AM
I heard the worst part is, he makes the chairs watch

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/03/28/npicnic128.xml

arco
04-04-2008, 11:40 AM
Thanks Craig....and in a similar vein............

A Cajun walks into a bar with
A pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the gator will close his
Mouth for one minute.

"Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
Spectacle,
Each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
The man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
Alligator hard on th e top of
its head.

The gator opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
"I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

--

arco
10-04-2008, 12:14 PM
LOS ANGELES: A woman is threatening to sue after she
was forced to remove her nipple rings with pliers in order to
board a plane in Texas. Mandi Hamlin, 37, said she was
put behind a curtain to remove two rings. Having done so,
she was allowed to fly, even though she still wore a belly
button ring.

The whole sorry saga.............


http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/03/27/travel/main3976376.shtml?source=RSSattr=HOME_3976376

arco
23-04-2008, 09:32 PM
http://www.vorb.org.nz/images/albums/userpics/14382/P1010391.jpg

arco
20-05-2008, 03:50 PM
Probably seemed a good idea at the time.......................

AMR
25-05-2008, 04:13 PM
http://www.sharetrader.co.nz/picture.php?albumid=7&pictureid=14
Smart traders, but it would have been even smarter to select a stock which could prove their point.

AMR
01-06-2008, 03:08 PM
http://www.dailyreckoning.com/Featured/bernanke-helicopter.jpg

peat
02-06-2008, 08:52 AM
heh thats awesome!

peat
05-06-2008, 11:22 AM
http://gizmodo.com/5012983/security-cam-footage-of-cubicle-rage-to-the-extreme-is-every-cube-dwellers-fantasy (http://gizmodo.com/5012983/security-cam-footage-of-cubicle-rage-to-the-extreme-is-every-cube-dwellers-fantasy)

AMR
17-06-2008, 11:56 PM
The SP500 has just completed an extremely rare "black swan" formation. This is a typically bearish pattern and is usually followed by the "Peking seasoning" pattern accompanied with choppy motions. (borrowed from ASF)

AMR
05-07-2008, 07:44 AM
http://www.sharetrader.co.nz/picture.php?albumid=7&pictureid=26

AMR
14-07-2008, 10:50 PM
Why did the Chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicke n to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure – right from Day One! – that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before! adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this c hicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few mom ents, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C%..........reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

peat
17-07-2008, 07:13 AM
Apparently Tony Veitch will be hosting a new show on TVNZ : Wheelchair of Fortune

shasta
17-07-2008, 05:09 PM
Apparently Tony Veitch will be hosting a new show on TVNZ : Wheelchair of Fortune

I heard he's invented some new fitness equipment, it's called the "Spinebuster".

dumbass
17-07-2008, 07:29 PM
The Tony Veitch Sporting Breakfast 6:00am - 9:00am Weekdays Tony Veitch kicks off the working day with his highly entertaining breakfast show between 6.00am-9.00am

arco
08-08-2008, 01:22 PM
Henry, a rare NZ tuatara, a kind of lizard like reptile of prehistoric origin, is now going to be a father for the first time, expecting up to 11 young tuataras when he mated with Mildred, his 80-year-old mate. Curators at the museum where they live say that the 111-year old reptile "wasn't interested in sex until a cancerous tumour was removed from his bottom."......thats a bummer!

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/afp/20080806/tod-nzealand-animal-offbeat-ad60dae.html

http://aquatic-photography.com/gallery/files/490-tuatura.jpg

arco
12-08-2008, 04:24 PM
http://worldofwonder.net/images4/snapcap061108-tm.jpg


http://worldofwonder.net/archives/2008/Jun/11/snap_cap.wow

arco
14-08-2008, 09:02 AM
TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid,
China for military aid,
British for Warplanes,
Italy for machines,
Germany for technology,
French for submarines,
Switzerland for loans,
Russia for drugs
Japan for equipment.
You buy the cows with all this
And claim exploitation by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab their cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

SINGAPORE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
Believe you have a brilliant government
Need to hire foreign talents to manage your cows
You lost all your cows.

SRI LANKAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You make one the President and the other the Leader of the Opposition!

AMR
14-08-2008, 09:17 PM
http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/4670/83363225yk3.jpg

miner
14-08-2008, 10:09 PM
Be fun coming back down if you had a few drinks with your dinner.

arco
15-08-2008, 04:39 PM
http://www.retro.ms11.net/InvestorMind.gif

arco
18-08-2008, 12:58 PM
http://bp0.blogger.com/_LNSrzQb3KZg/RpyBV55L3DI/AAAAAAAABzg/_aT1g0IROF0/s1600-h/conviction2+%28414+x+584%29.jpg

arco
18-08-2008, 01:36 PM
Spotted this when we were in Langkowi

arco
18-08-2008, 01:40 PM
.....................

Spotted somewhere in the bowels of York.

arco
18-08-2008, 01:45 PM
In French this is pronounced Gobbo.....spotted on our travels in Picardy.

e by gum....

arco
18-08-2008, 02:39 PM
..........

Some people just have no class.......... Just looks at this guys tie: it's so..so.. yesterday!

'''''''''''''''

http://bp1.blogger.com/_LNSrzQb3KZg/SGsk5-xx5JI/AAAAAAAADeo/PesXWjbiUOI/s400/Inbox

miner
18-08-2008, 02:56 PM
Can think of at least two reasons why he married her.

dumbass
18-08-2008, 03:00 PM
wow wow .................. pink with blue stripes what was he thinking

arco
18-08-2008, 03:13 PM
>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Glad to see you guys are paying attention......there are always a number of points you should observe when considering a tie.

arco
18-08-2008, 07:54 PM
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Check out the message ........check out the contents.......check out the number plate.

arco
18-08-2008, 08:27 PM
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_-wo2l6fVceA/SKk8njPPI0I/AAAAAAAAXPA/qu2WXLZ31uo/s1600/gumball3.jpg

peat
18-08-2008, 09:00 PM
must ahve been a bit of a theme goin on at the wedding

http://img392.imageshack.us/img392/1480/weddingdresskg5.jpg



..........

Some people just have no class.......... Just looks at this guys tie: it's so..so.. yesterday!

'''''''''''''''

arco
18-08-2008, 09:05 PM
>>>>>>>>>>>>


MMMM.............They look like a very nice couple

miner
18-08-2008, 09:50 PM
You BLIND OR STUPID Peat??? his tie is a "DIFFERENT" colour.

arco
19-08-2008, 07:40 AM
http://bp0.blogger.com/_n1VgAOz1dUE/R_Tqp3Jr5fI/AAAAAAAAAtQ/Jd2izlZF55k/s400/570svamp.jpg
(http://bp0.blogger.com/_n1VgAOz1dUE/R_Tqp3Jr5fI/AAAAAAAAAtQ/Jd2izlZF55k/s400/570svamp.jpg)

arco
19-08-2008, 07:46 PM
http://bp3.blogger.com/_LNSrzQb3KZg/RcaN1-pA4WI/AAAAAAAAAqY/675X3qWv1FY/s400/image002.jpg

arco
20-08-2008, 12:20 PM
Being caught with your shorts down is a traders nightmare..............

arco
21-08-2008, 03:26 PM
.

The Titanic.

Photographed this bus on our travels in Sri Lanka......

......................decided not to take a ride on this Intercity Superservice for 50/-. (The drivers are absolute maniacs).

As a matter of interest 50/- equates to about 70c (NZ) and the ride takes a hair raising 3 hrs approx.

.

arco
26-08-2008, 03:13 PM
.

..........caught in the act..................and charged accordingly.

arco
01-09-2008, 01:19 PM
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1630443.ece

Bilo
05-09-2008, 12:08 PM
Just musing about the ASX following the Dow so religiously.
There are obviously more sheep in Australia than in NZ. The Aussie jokes have always been about what Kiwis do to sheep. Perhaps the last laugh should be what Aussies let sheep do to them

arco
11-09-2008, 11:19 AM
.
Men and Women on planet earth die from various places throughout the world at a particular moment in time and go to God's abode to be judged.
The God welcomes this new batch and tries his experimental new judgement trick and says," I want all you humans to form two queues.
One line is for the men who dominated their women, and the other one for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away from here so that no man and woman can talk and I can talk to men alone."
When the women were gone, the Almighty returns and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women is a hundred miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there is only one solitary man.
The God about to open his third eye of anger, thunders, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
"Come and tell all them henpecked, my brave son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" God asked.
The nervous man replies, "I don't know sir, but my wife told me to stand here, until this is over."

arco
15-09-2008, 02:30 PM
http://media.thedaily.com.au/img/photos/2008/09/13/nudists_t350.jpg

"Judging by the enclosed photo, I am sure the "perverts" would only go there once".

http://www.thedaily.com.au/news/2008/sep/14/too-rude/

arco
15-09-2008, 04:41 PM
If you like sarcastic wit? then you cant do much better than old Knudsens blog.

I often check it out when boredom gets a hold.

http://oldbitterballs.blogspot.com/

Quote

Old Knudsen
I'm a witty ****er, a base and vile brabbler; I never know when to quit, I'm a terrier. The conscience of the people, a gob in the eye of convention. Winner of the Pepsi challenge 1984. I'm a Chestnut Tree and proud of it. Winner of the Daz Challenge 1986. I hung on a wind-rocked tree nine whole nights. A man of action is his own Sun. Correct punctuation and sentence structure is for the weak. My mother was an Ulster bare-knuckle fighter and my father a Scottish Viking. I was born in a coracle in the middle of the Irish Sea, delivered by the sea God Manannan. I am the only Timelord with his own teeth. Winner of the Darwin award 1932, runner-up 1954. President of The Lemurs Must Die League Of The British Isles. Expert Blogger, watch me Blog. I am a Hornivore and I'm full of the Horn. Time magazine Person of the Year 2006. I'm a double dipper. Call me All-father but expect no child support. I promote anti-social behaviour. A hater. A spoiler. A Blogger without a hat is to be mocked. This Blog is 100% natural. I'm the playboy of the western world. UDOJ Wall Of Honour Recipient 2007. I'm a sexual compulsive and a dangerous intellect. Banned in Halifax.

arco
15-09-2008, 07:53 PM
..................for those cold winter knights

arco
16-09-2008, 07:37 PM
Jethro's Discount

arco
17-09-2008, 11:53 AM
It takes all sorts..............

arco
20-09-2008, 01:36 PM
.
What happens to good old telepathy

.

AMR
01-10-2008, 03:10 PM
I though this was absolutely hilarious.

LOS ANGELES - Russell Crowe has an Oscar and is co-owner of the Sydney Rabbitohs rugby league team, but maybe his next job should be US treasury secretary.
The New Zealand-born actor announced, during a US TV talkshow appearance, a mathematically-flawed plan to cure America's financial crisis.
"I have been intently watching the political process," Crowe told talkshow host Jay Leno.
Crowe believes the US government should give each American US$1 million ($1.50 million).
His reasoning is the US has a population of about 300 million, so the US$300 billion outlay is a fraction of the US$700 billion financial bailout package rejected by politicians in Washington DC yesterday.
"I was thinking," Crowe said.
"If they want to stimulate the economy and get people spending so they can look after their mortgage ... give everyone US$1 million."
His plan would actually cost $300 trillion.
Crowe is in the US to promote his new spy thriller with Leonardo DiCaprio and director Ridley Scott, Body of Lies, which opens in Australia on October 9.

arco
01-10-2008, 04:48 PM
................Jesus is watching

arco
02-10-2008, 03:06 PM
Spotted on a UK forum......

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95.

With HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50.

£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5.

However, if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminum re-cycling plant, you would get £21.40.

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

arco
06-10-2008, 09:23 AM
Not even an Irish Blog, I hasten to add.............
.

777
08-10-2008, 07:51 PM
Question: How do you tell the difference between:-
A New Zealand Police Officer , An Australian Police Officer ?and
An American Police Officer?

To obtain the answer you must pose the following question to the Officer;

'You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the
knife, and charges.

You are carrying a Glock ..40, and you are an expert shot. You have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?'



NZ POLICE OFFICER'S Answer:

' Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it, am I using it in an
OSH approved fashion?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?

If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, Do I get blamed when he
falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?

Will the NZ tax payer foot the bill for his ACC claim if I injure him?

If I shoot him, and lose the court case. Does he have the opportunity to sue
me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family
home?

Am I being culturally sensitive to the attacker if I shoot him, will I be
offending his mana if I wound or kill him?

Will I have to defend myself in court as a racist if I shoot him? '




Australian Officer's Answer:


BANG!


American Officer's Answer

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click (changing magazine) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG

shasta
08-10-2008, 08:40 PM
Question: How do you tell the difference between:-
A New Zealand Police Officer , An Australian Police Officer ?and
An American Police Officer?

To obtain the answer you must pose the following question to the Officer;

'You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the
knife, and charges.

You are carrying a Glock ..40, and you are an expert shot. You have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?'



NZ POLICE OFFICER'S Answer:

' Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it, am I using it in an
OSH approved fashion?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?

If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, Do I get blamed when he
falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?

Will the NZ tax payer foot the bill for his ACC claim if I injure him?

If I shoot him, and lose the court case. Does he have the opportunity to sue
me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family
home?

Am I being culturally sensitive to the attacker if I shoot him, will I be
offending his mana if I wound or kill him?

Will I have to defend myself in court as a racist if I shoot him? '




Australian Officer's Answer:


BANG!


American Officer's Answer

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click (changing magazine) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG

Brillant 777, sums up the Victorian "hit squad" just nicely :D

What happened to the old NZ police mantra, of better to be tried by 12, than carried by 6?

slam
09-10-2008, 07:33 AM
Retrenched Lehman Bank employees stage a protest by blockading the entrance to the Bank's Headquarters

arco
09-10-2008, 04:58 PM
.................................................. ...

arco
09-10-2008, 05:06 PM
...........................................

Grand Uber
09-10-2008, 07:39 PM
Stolen from hotcopper, but it gave me a giggle so heres a repost

> CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

> > CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

> > BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor
> > to mistake himself for a financial genius.

> > BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
> > allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no
> > sex.
> > VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

> > P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their
> > pants as the market keeps crashing.

> > BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

> > STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

> > STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

> > STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
> > assets equally between themselves.

> > FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been
> > disconnected.

> > MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

> > CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears
> > down the toilet.

> > YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
> > for $240 per share.

> > WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker
> > who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

> > INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now
> > locked up in a nuthouse.
> > PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

arco
10-10-2008, 08:04 PM
..........................................

arco
10-10-2008, 08:14 PM
...........................................

arco
16-10-2008, 06:40 PM
...............................

http://yourscene.latimes.com/PHOTOS/LATM/1UserPhotos/387416E.jpg

arco
16-10-2008, 08:26 PM
.................................................. .http://www.forexfactory.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=158003&d=1224097299

Hoop
16-10-2008, 09:25 PM
Credit crisis hits London hard

AMR
16-10-2008, 09:49 PM
Wow...she has beautiful hands for an old lady!

arco
17-10-2008, 12:17 PM
Credit crisis hits London hard



Shouldn't she be working at Burger King :)

arco
17-10-2008, 03:34 PM
Sometimes is so obvious..................

http://charts.dacharts.com/2008-10-16/berkut96.png

arco
17-10-2008, 04:04 PM
The Martian Landscape Technique
http://charts.dacharts.com/2008-10-16/Flag-25.png

peat
17-10-2008, 04:26 PM
stop it! you're blowing the pixels on my screen :D

AMR
17-10-2008, 04:34 PM
Now who wants to try and start guessing what the person's system is??

neopole
17-10-2008, 05:18 PM
How Banking & Bailouts Work

By way of anecdotal example, you should find the following instructive:

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad News, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a-piece and made a profit of $998.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs

arco
17-10-2008, 06:07 PM
Now who wants to try and start guessing what the person's system is??

OK Guys (and Gals if your reading).........can anyone can figure out how they trade those colourful charts.

Ideas on this thread please................



Neo.....thats a great idea...thanks

arco
17-10-2008, 06:37 PM
A British man and woman have been jailed for three months for having sex on a beach in Dubai.


http://news.sky.com/sky-news/content/StaticFile/jpg/2008/Oct/Week3/15122121.jpg Pair faced a maximum of six years behind bars


Vince Acors, 34, and Michelle Palmer, 36, met at an all-you-can-drink champagne brunch just hours before their arrest.
Prosecutors said they were seen having sex on Jumeirah Beach after being dropped off by a taxi in the early hours of July 5.
But Palmer, from Oakham, Rutland,who was sacked from her emirate job as a publishing executive, claimed they were "just kissing and hugging".
The pair, who denied offences of unmarried sex and public indecency, were convicted in their absence at Dubai (http://indepth.news.sky.com/InDepth/topic/Dubai)'s Court of First Instance.
Judge Hamdi Abul Kharr fined them 1,000 dirham (around £155) and said they would be deported from the United Arab Emirates (http://indepth.news.sky.com/InDepth/topic/United_Arab_Emirates) after they have served their sentence.


http://news.sky.com/skynews

777
17-10-2008, 07:37 PM
How Banking & Bailouts Work

By way of anecdotal example, you should find the following instructive:

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad News, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a-piece and made a profit of $998.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs

Replace Chuck with Helen Clark and it makes more sense.

arco
19-10-2008, 01:38 PM
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.

Bull Market - A random market movement cousing an investor to mistake themself for a financial genius.

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their beds as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER - What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POORS - Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy your stocks.

CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it goes down the toilet.

YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Last years investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.

arco
21-10-2008, 08:21 PM
Rainbows End Technique

http://charts.dacharts.com/2008-10-18/TS_IN52.png

AMR
21-10-2008, 11:38 PM
Some people have too much time on their hands.

http://brokershandsontheirfacesblog.tumblr.com/page/1

arco
22-10-2008, 12:36 PM
Pac Man technique

http://charts.dacharts.com/2008-10-20/XS318790-58.png

arco
23-10-2008, 09:50 PM
A seasoned long term investor, reflecting on the past 6 months:




"This is way worse than a divorce .......................I've lost half my net worth but I still have my wife."

.

arco
24-10-2008, 10:53 AM
.

Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker.


A: A pigeon can still put a deposit on a BMW

arco
24-10-2008, 10:58 AM
The Giant Squid Technique

http://charts.dacharts.com/2008-10-23/Adrian1.png

arco
24-10-2008, 03:42 PM
Friday, October 24 2008, 03:52 BST
By Michael Thornton (http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/odd/a133522/faulty-toilet-seats-kill-one-injure-six.html?rss#)
A range of faulty toilet seats has resulted in the death of one person and injuries to at least six.

Some 91 reports have been registered against Homecraft Rolyan Savannah seats, according to the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA).

Close to 25,000 of the seats, which carry AA211, AA2112L, AA2114Y and AA2114 product codes, are estimated to have been sold in the UK between May 2007 and January 2008.

Officials are now calling for social care providers to be vigilant if they are looking after people using the product.

The MHRA added that one woman was killed in an accident caused by a faulty seat, although it pointed out that the exact circumstances surrounding her death had not been made clear.

"Six of the reports resulted in the person falling off the toilet because the toilet seat slipped. Injuries have included bumps to the head, bruising and back injury," said MHRA representative Clive Bray.

http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/odd/a133522/faulty-toilet-seats-kill-one-injure-six.html?rss

arco
24-10-2008, 03:46 PM
Friday, October 17 2008, 07:06 BST
By Sarah Rollo (http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/a132865/gok-wan-admits-he-fancied-tony-blair.html#)
http://images.digitalspy.co.uk/08/41/160x120_gok_wan.jpg

Gok Wan has revealed that he had a massive crush on former Prime Minister Tony Blair.

The How To Look Good Naked star revealed his crush to the Sunday Mirror.

Wan, 34, said: "I had a huge crush on Tony Blair, in a totally sexual way. He was so powerful but nerdy at the same time. That’s my ideal man - a bit geeky but strong."

Wan has joined forces (http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/tv/a131018/gok-myleene-team-up-for-beauty-hunt.html) with TV personality Myleene Klass for a new UK talent hunt for Channel 4, entitled Miss Naked Beauty.

http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/a132865/gok-wan-admits-he-fancied-tony-blair.html

arco
24-10-2008, 03:49 PM
Hallucination Technique

http://charts.dacharts.com/2008-10-23/TV193247-19.png

arco
28-10-2008, 08:54 AM
Black Eye Technique

http://charts.dacharts.com/2008-10-23/shawn22.png

arco
28-10-2008, 01:17 PM
ONE in five Brits has had sex at work, a raunchy new study has this week revealed.

But that's not the only bonkers place couples like to go at it.
Our romp researchers have found lots of lovers who've been caught getting frisky in other freaky spots, like a police car park and even a church!
Read on as we delve into the XXX-files for a saucy investigation into the strangest places couples get a leg over around the world.
CANAL PATH
IT was passion on the canal path for Scots Gareth Black and Clair Muir earlier this year.
They were caught going at it in broad daylight by a couple of passing policeman on the bank of Falkirk's Union Canal.
Locals called cops after spotting them romping through their windows.




[/URL]
CHURCH
NORMALLY, you might not think there's anything weird about screams of 'Oh God' coming from the church confession box.
Perhaps a shocked vicar or an animated follower pouring their little heart out?
But when Italian cops were called to investigate goings-on at a church in the northern city of Cesena, they found a couple worshipping each others bodies inside.
The fella - a 31-year-old labourer - and his 32-year-old female teacher partner were having oral sex inside for an hour.
The poor old Archbishop was forced to hold a purification ceremony after finding out, bless him.
http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00630/Confession-Booth_18_630566a.jpgIn heaven ... confession couple


ON CCTV
HAVING sex in the office is bad enough - but getting caught on camera...!
A worker at Newcastle's Rural Payments Agency was fired after a probe into sex between staff.
They were said to have hooked up in toilets and been caught running around their desks naked.
WAR MEMORIAL
SO much for respecting the dead.
A French couple received a four-month suspended jail term after getting caught making a porno at a World War I memorial.
Cameras rolled at the spot in the northern city of Vimy, which pays tribute to 60,000 Canadians killed in battle.
It's an unlikely but seemingly popular spot for getting your kit off.
Just six months earlier another couple got in trouble for taking nude snaps in front of the memorial.
http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00630/Police_380_630567a.jpgSex siren ... cop car park


POLICE STATION
WHEN it comes to copping off, it's not a great idea doing it in the car park of a police station.
Yet that's where boozed-up American couple Dennis Cullen and a lady friend were found by officers making love in a vehicle.
Cullen was charged with drink driving but both got away with getting it on.
TRAM STOP
WAITING in line for the bus or a train can be really boring.
So when one British couple tried to kill time waiting for their tram, they decided there was only one thing for it.
The pair - a 29-year-old woman and her 17-year-old toyboy - got naked and started having sex in the street.
Cops were alerted as the whole thing was happening in view of a CCTV camera in Croydon, South London.
But when they asked the rompers to stop over a loudspeaker, they refused. Officers were forced to drive out and arrest the cheeky couple.
CRANE
WE'VE all heard of the mile high club where couples bonk on a plane.
Well, you don't have to board a sleazyjet flight to get it on high up, as a Florida couple allegedly found out.
Construction worker Justin Dunn was accused of having "sexual relations" in a crane by cops who were called to the scene.
When they climbed down, the 23-year-old and his 35-year-old partner denied they were doing anything naughty up there.
Cops didn't end up pressing charges as the crane was deemed as private property.





[url]http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/article1861875.ece (http://ad.uk.doubleclick.net/adj/thesun.co.uk/mainhomepage;pos=mpu;sz=300x250;tile=2;ord=1225156 117524?)

arco
28-10-2008, 03:14 PM
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.""Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
"Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

arco
29-10-2008, 01:30 PM
The Rope Bridge Technique

http://pic.ipicture.ru/uploads/081023/3pWiAUWme8.png

arco
29-10-2008, 01:41 PM
I think they might be talking about the Russian economy...

Rats abandoning the sinking ship - the jokes apparently the same in any language.



.

http://givi-zurabovich.ru/Fig/sber.png

AMR
29-10-2008, 02:01 PM
Lol at #11 - that rope bridge technique was something I use to do!

arco
29-10-2008, 02:56 PM
Star Wars Technique

http://charts.dacharts.com/2008-10-28/Dblue10.png

arco
29-10-2008, 03:02 PM
OK - whats the caption ?????????????????

Winner will receive a free Ichimoku chart of his/her choice :)

http://www.plan.ru/img/bear_market_28.jpg

arco
29-10-2008, 06:32 PM
.

It was obviously an omen when I went out hunting on Christmas Day and my wife said "I think its going to rain dear"

peat
29-10-2008, 07:19 PM
the pope goes to amsterdam to do a mass. he's staying in a hotel in the centre of the city. he says to the girl at the front desk "i trust the porn channel in my room is disabled...?"

she looks at him and says "its just standard porn you sick f(u)k"

arco
29-10-2008, 08:19 PM
The Cyrox Rainbow Technique

You can actually scalp profitably using these charts (I kid you not).

http://www.cyrox.com/forum/index.php


.
http://i36.tinypic.com/dqrlhx.png

speres
30-10-2008, 11:45 AM
The Cyrox Rainbow Technique

You can actually scalp profitably using these charts (I kid you not).

http://www.cyrox.com/forum/index.php


.
http://i36.tinypic.com/dqrlhx.png

ye I've seen those before, back in the day when I went to raves.

arco
30-10-2008, 01:04 PM
Perhaps re-name it the Party Pill technique

:eek:

peat
31-10-2008, 12:21 PM
http://img112.imageshack.us/img112/7310/haloweenkf5.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

arco
31-10-2008, 04:29 PM
Not so long ago, office romance was more taboo than to-do. But as the long-hours culture continues its steady march, cubicle couples and boardroom beaus are gracing workplaces everywhere.

According to a recent survey by US media company Vault, 47 per cent of respondents said they’d been involved in an office romance, while 82 per cent had known of an office romance taking place between colleagues.

Of course, stolen kisses by the stationery cupboard and lingering looks over the photocopier can bring misery as well as intrigue to your working week.

So how do you have an office romance without leaving a heart-shaped hole in your career?

Don’t: Bed your boss
While the chemistry between you and your boss may be palpable, many companies forbid relationships between supervisors and subordinates, so think carefully before you start an office romance. No matter how talented you are, colleagues may speculate about the ‘real’ reason for your next pay rise or promotion - and there's potential for sexual harassment claims, too.

Do: Check the small print
If you’re already in a relationship with a colleague, reviewing a copy of your employment contract may seem trivial compared to doe-eyed daydreams and galloping hearts. But checking the small print will determine whether your office romance remains permissible, or whether you're required to move departments, jobs or offices to avoid potential conflicts of interest.

Don’t: Neglect your work
Although it’s tempting to reminisce about the night before instead of concentrating on the task at hand, try not to let a knowing glance, compliment or smile from your partner distract you from your work. Set the rules of engagement, eyeball your goals, take positive action, and make the most of your elevated dopamine levels to work up a professional sweat.

Do: Keep it clean
Those lusty, libidinous emails might leave you hot under your lipstick-stained collar, but will they leave your employer cold? Emails that impact negatively on a company’s reputation can result in disciplinary procedures, so consider setting up a free email account for the purpose of sending and receiving your lettres d'amour.

Don’t: Play favourites
If you want your career to go the distance, take extra care not to reward your partner with undeserved brownie points - good intentions now could seriously stymie your chances of a promotion down the track. Avoid accusations of favouritism, or the appearance of preferential treatment, by making it a priority to treat all your colleagues equally.

Do: Play it cool
While you may want to tell the world that you’ve fallen head over heels, sometimes it’s better to keep quiet about love on the job until you’re sure that your relationship will last. The less your colleagues know, the better - there’ll be no need to prune the office grapevine, and your connection will benefit from all that initial secrecy.

Don’t: Act unprofessionally
If you and your partner can’t keep your hands off each other, use your acting skills and adopt identical personas of single, self-contained colleagues while you’re at work. Avoid intimate conversations or seductive smiles, and save frisky business for after hours. Similarly, don’t risk lowering colleague’s perceptions of your work performance - leave any personal differences at the office door.

Do: Kiss and keep quiet
Nobody starts an office romance intending to end it - but it happens. We’ve all heard about the ugly break-ups that divided colleagues, fuelled runaway rumours, and led to career sabotage. Fortunately, setting time aside to ensure you part maturely and without causing deliberate pain can minimise the potential for bitter retaliations, and help you deal with any awkward situations that may arise afterwards, too.



Published: 13 February 2008
http://content.mycareer.com.au/advice-research/career/how-to-handle-an-office-romance.aspx?s_cid=596349

arco
31-10-2008, 05:15 PM
October 31, 2008 - 2:34PM

The boss of the BBC's most popular radio station quit over offensive on-air comments by two top presenters which have unleashed a political storm in Britain

Radio Two controller Lesley Douglas resigned a day after the BBC suspended Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand over a phone prank played on veteran actor Andrew Sachs, who starred in the 1970s comedy "Fawlty Towers."
Ross, the publicly-funded BBC's highest-paid presenter ever, was also suspended for 12 weeks without wages, BBC Director-General Mark Thompson said, as the number of public complaints topped 30,000.
"Jonathan Ross's contribution to this edition of the Russell Brand show was utterly unacceptable and cannot be allowed to go uncensored or without sanction," Thompson said. "Nothing like this must never happen again."
Brand resigned from his Radio Two show on Wednesday following his suspension.
In her resignation letter released by the BBC, Douglas apologised to Sachs, his family and listeners, adding: "It is a matter of the greatest possible sadness to me that a programme on my network has been the cause of such a controversy."
The furore was sparked by messages left by Ross and Brand on the answerphone of Sachs, 78, famed for his role as bumbling Spanish waiter Manuel in "Fawlty Towers."
In the original pre-recorded broadcast on October 18, listeners heard a series of explicit exchanges including a claim by Ross that Brand had sex with Sachs's granddaughter Georgina Baillie, 23, a burlesque performer who is a member of a group called the Satanic Sluts.
The pair then discussed how Sachs might hang himself as a result, and how they could break into his house and perform a sex act on him by way of apology.
Baillie has since discussed intimate details of her encounter with Brand with Britain's biggest-selling tabloid newspaper.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown called the pair's behaviour "inappropriate and unacceptable" and backed an investigation.
The main opposition Conservatives have also hit out at the entertainers' comments and want a parliamentary debate on how the BBC handled the incident.
The story has temporarily pushed the world financial crisis off the front pages of many newspapers -- the mass-market Daily Mail said Friday that Ross's suspension showed the BBC had "faced up to its responsibilities."
"The BBC wakes up to decency" read its front page headline. Most other papers also led on the controversy.
It comes at a sensitive time for the broadcaster amid a rumbling debate over whether its business model of charging an annual licence fee of 139.50 pounds (177 euros, 230 US dollars) to viewers for public service television is still relevant in the digital age.
Some lawmakers want the licence fee scrapped altogether -- Conservative Christopher Chope said Thursday it was "outdated and regressive."
This is not the first time the BBC has faced embarrassment recently -- in July it was fined 400,000 pounds (500,000 euros, 660,000 US dollars) after a string of shows faked winners of their competitions.
And last year, it apologised after showing footage that wrongly implied Queen Elizabeth II had stormed out of a sitting with top US photographer Annie Leibovitz.
Ross, 47, has a three-year, 18-million-pound (29-million-dollar, 22.5-million-euro) contract which also sees him host a Friday late-night television talk show.
Brand, 33, who started out in stand-up comedy, earned a reported 400,000 pounds a year for his radio programme. He starred as an oversexed rock star in the Hollywood romantic comedy "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" earlier this year.
© 2008 AFP (http://news.theage.com.au/action/displayCopyrightNotice?sourceOrganisation=AFP)

http://news.theage.com.au/world/bbc-chief-quits-star-presenter-suspended-over-offensive-prank-20081031-5f8w.html#

arco
31-10-2008, 06:04 PM
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers
that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the
forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the
villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy
at $20.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys
again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to
their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little
that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant
would now buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all
these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them
to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to
him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant ever again, only monkeys
everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the finance markets work

arco
31-10-2008, 06:09 PM
A blonde wife and her husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbour's dog was barking.

This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.

Finally, the blonde says, "I've had enough. I'm going to do something about this."

So she gets up, puts on her robe and goes down stairs and out the back door.

A little while later, she comes back.

"What did you do? The dog's still barking," asks the husband.

"I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like it."

.

peat
31-10-2008, 06:29 PM
yes the market philosophy story is an oldie but a goodie.

arco
31-10-2008, 06:44 PM
http://www.pointlesssites.com/

arco
31-10-2008, 06:56 PM
Spam flood goes on despite bust

By ASHER MOSES - SMH | Tuesday, 21 October 2008


Last week's bust of the largest spam operation in the world, which was run by a Kiwi, has had no measurable impact on global spam volumes.
The spam gang, known by authorities and security experts as HerbalKing, was responsible for one-third of all spam, the non-profit antispam research group SpamHaus said.
Email messages sent by the gang - up to 10 billion a day - encouraged people to click through to websites that allegedly used false claims to peddle prescription drugs, as well as "male enhancement" and weight-loss pills.
One of the ringleaders, New Zealander Lance Atkinson, 26, who lives in Pelican Waters in Queensland, has had his US assets frozen by a US district court at the request of the US Federal Trade Commission, which also succeeded in having the spam network shut down via an injunction.
Atkinson might also face fines or other penalties in the civil suit (http://www.ftc.gov/os/caselist/0723085/index.shtm). Additionally, the FTC could refer the case to criminal prosecution because Atkinson and another business partner were fined $US2.2 million by the FTC in 2005 for running a similar spam network that marketed herbal products.
But spam levels remain at about 90 per cent of all email messages, despite the FTC's claims that the bust would give inboxes some reprieve.
IronPort, which tracks worldwide spam volumes, reported that 183.5 billion spam messages were sent last Monday, the day the FTC obtained its injunction against the HerbalKing group (http://www.senderbase.org/home/detail_spam_volume).
Yesterday, 142.4 billion spam messages were sent, a normal drop considering it was a Sunday. Overall, between last Monday and yesterday spam levels dropped from 90.9 per cent of all email to 89.7 per cent of all email.
"I don't believe it has made any statistically significant difference to spam levels at all," Paul Ducklin, head of technology for the Asia-Pacific region at security firm Sophos, said.
"If one spammer disappears, there are plenty more to take up any slack bandwidth that might appear."
Atkinson and those working with him allegedly controlled a "botnet" of 35,000 malware-infected computers, which were used to send the spam messages. The owners of such "zombie" computers typically have no idea they are infected.
With Atkinson now targeted by the FTC, control of that botnet could have been passed on to another person, allowing the operation to continue unabated.
"Botnet spam systems are very automated and will continue to spam even if the operators do not log in and control them," SpamHaus employee Quentin Jenkins wrote in a blog post.
Ducklin said the only clear-cut way to make a visible dent in spam volumes was for PC users around the world to ensure their computers were clean of the malware that allows spammers to hijack their computers for use as part of a botnet.
"People are getting jolly tired of hearing it, but get an up-to-date anti-virus today and scan and clean your PC of any rogue software," he said.
"There are plenty of free and low-cost anti-viruses available, so there is little excuse for being an inadvertent contributor to the volume of spam through the zombification of your PC."


http://www.stuff.co.nz/4733735a28.html

Hoop
31-10-2008, 07:12 PM
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons,and proceeded to the checkout counter.


The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'


'Eight,' the boy replied.


The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'


The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother.

He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.

Right now, he can't do either one.'

arco
01-11-2008, 03:17 PM
River Technique.........(looks interesting)

http://www.forex-tsd.com/attachments/general-discussion/24717d1170508453-ichimoku-silverchan_029b.gif

fungus pudding
02-11-2008, 07:08 AM
It's the 79th anniversary of the stockmarket crash. To commemorate that
event, stocks are now selling at 1929 prices.

arco
04-11-2008, 12:45 PM
Very funny

Dr Jay n Easy Lee - Dear Penis

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=EZ3lw-eNrFk

arco
05-11-2008, 02:16 PM
The Pastor's Donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the pastor not to
enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline
read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the
nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains
where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.


The moral of the story is . .. . being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

arco
05-11-2008, 02:26 PM
Russian beauty exercises

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHV53PF1y7Q

arco
07-11-2008, 01:55 PM
Take a man. Add eye work (unisex glasses if eye wear is needed)and Botox. Mix in a bad haircut or unfashionably long hair--if possible a dye job. A little doughy-ness doesn't hurt, either. Have a weakness for turtlenecks and by all means fight aging like it's a battle you can win if you try just a little harder, and there you have it: The winning formula to become a man who looks like an old lesbian.

http://www.cracked.com/article_15788_top-25-men-who-look-like-old-lesbians.html

and for devotees

http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com/


Robert Redford made it to No 22

http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/wong/redford.jpg