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  1. #1
    action-reaction arco's Avatar
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    Default Clean Jokes for Bored FX traders


    One girl, just after her childhood, started doing a part-time job, in a brush factory. In a few months time, she found hair appearing in her secret area, and she was very upset. Day by day, the hair started growing, and she thought this was an effect of the brushes, and that her secret area was converting into a brush. So she decided to quit the job.

    She went to meet her boss, who was a middle-aged gentleman, and told him that she was leaving the company. So the the boss asked her why she wanted to leave.
    She said, "Look what the brushes are doing to me. A brush has started appearing right here" and showed him her secret area.

    The boss, trying to educate her in this subject said, "Look child; this is quite a natural phenomena. It has nothing to do with the brushes. this happens to every one at your age. Look what we got" and showed her his secret area. The girl became horrified, and said "Oh my god! You have got the handle also!", and left the place immediately.

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  2. #2
    Guru peat's Avatar
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    An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor
    gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample
    tomorrow."

    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
    him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like
    this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothin. Then I tried with my left
    hand, but still nothing.

    Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left,
    still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
    teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and
    she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
    squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

    The old man replied,

    "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open

  3. #3
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    not exactly a joke, just a website with some honest attempts of some JPY'rs to communicate via english:

    http://www.engrish.com/recent_detail...ate=2005-05-13

  4. #4
    Kanga ru Xerof's Avatar
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    How do they know its 12 o'clock in Neverland?

    When the big hand touches the little hand.....

    New Tui's billboard - JACKSON INNOCENT - yeah right


  5. #5
    Kanga ru Xerof's Avatar
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    Wacko's flying back to Neverland with a plane load of children on board.

    Captain says "the planes going down, Michael, we've three parachutes - one each for me and the co-pilot and one for you"

    Michael "what about the children?"

    Captain " f@#k the children!!"

    Michael "Oh, do we have enough time?"


  6. #6
    Senior Member slam's Avatar
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    nasty

  7. #7
    action-reaction arco's Avatar
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    Q: Where's Michael J going on holiday?
    A: He's off to Tampa with the kids.



    It was reported the other day that Michael Jackson wants to be one of the first civilians to travel into space.
    A spokesperson for NASA said, "We're fine with the idea but the only problem is Jackson insists on coming back".

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  8. #8
    Guru peat's Avatar
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    2 financial market theorists were walking down the a busy street. The 1st pointed out a $100 USD bill on the sidewalk. The 2nd commented that this could not be possible, surely if it was a $100 USD bill someone would have picked it up by now. The 1st agreed, there is no way that there could really be money on the sidewalk of such a busy street. So without picking up the money or investigating further, they proceeded on their way.

    Not really funny, just a dig I guess

    I prefer the one that says if u have enough economists standing in a row to go all the way around the world they still wouldnt reach a conclusion.

  9. #9
    Senior Member slam's Avatar
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    The 2005 Darwin Awards[8D]
    Hope not too many of you have already heard them

    A few classics amongst this lot......


    Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are
    bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us. Here then, is the
    glorious winner.

    1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
    during a hold-up in Long Beach, California , would-be robber James
    Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
    barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....


    And now, the honorable mentions:

    2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
    machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
    insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
    men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger.
    The chef's claim was approved.

    3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
    during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
    had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean (I remember
    this!) bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to
    be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to
    admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
    everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to
    the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
    excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
    discovered for 3 days.

    5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
    wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
    injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
    he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

    6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
    counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
    the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
    the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
    fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
    got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives
    you money, is a crime committed?)

    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
    he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
    booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head
    at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief
    on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made
    of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
    grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
    woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
    Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
    car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
    and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
    officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

    9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
    Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m. , flashed a gun, and
    demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
    open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
    rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
    frustrated, walked away.


    A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! (Which proves there is justice in this
    world.)

    10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
    a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
    at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
    spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
    to steal gasoline and plugged a siphon hose int

  10. #10
    Guru peat's Avatar
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    Lions Rugby Tour Shock.
    >The Lions team training session was delayed today for nearly two hours.
    >One of the players, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance at the end of the field.
    >
    >Coach Clive Woodward immediately suspended practice while the Police were called in to investigate.
    >
    >After a complete field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the try line. Practice was resumed when the officials decided that it was unlikely that the team would encounter the substance again.

  11. #11
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    Default

    [8D]

  12. #12
    Guru peat's Avatar
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    A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a
    brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver,
    a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and
    YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you
    exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you
    give me a calf?"

    The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
    peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
    connects it to his AT&T cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the
    Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to
    get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another
    NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
    photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
    and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
    image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a
    MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
    hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an
    email on his Blackberry, and after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
    miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy
    and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says
    the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and
    looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
    what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man
    thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a consultant." says the cowboy.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here
    even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer
    I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know
    anything about my business. Now give me back my DOG."

  13. #13
    Guru peat's Avatar
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    did you hear about the new games show on tv soon
    called "Game of two and a half ounces"

  14. #14
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    >> > >>>We always hear"the rules"from the female point of view... Now here
    >> are
    >> > >>>the rules from the male side.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON
    >> > >>>PURPOSE!
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
    >> put
    >> it
    >> > >>>down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
    >> complaining
    >> > >>>about you leaving it down.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
    >> tides.
    >> > >>>Let it be.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
    >> it
    >> > >>>that way.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Crying is blackmail.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
    >> do
    >> > >>>not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just
    >> say
    >> > >>>it!
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every
    >> question.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it.
    >> That's
    >> > >>>what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
    >> fact,
    >> > >>>all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
    >> Expect
    >> us
    >> > >>>to act like soap opera guys.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
    >> ways
    >> > >>>makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it
    >> done.
    >> > >>>Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
    >> yourself.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
    >> > >>>commercials.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    >> Peach,
    >> > >>>for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
    >> have no
    >> > >>>idea what mauve is.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask
    >> what
    >> is
    >> > >>>wrong and you say "nothing," ! We will act like nothing's wrong. We
    >> know
    >> > >>>you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an
    >> answer
    >> > >>>you don't want to hear.
    >> > >>>
    >> > &gt

  15. #15
    Senior Member slam's Avatar
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    Why Help Never Arrived


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