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  1. #41
    Guru Xerof's Avatar
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    A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Madam, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

  2. #42
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    More despatches from the London lads - must be bored too...

    One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
    toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
    catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

    He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it
    in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

    As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
    with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
    The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

    Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
    The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."



  3. #43
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    The Bank of England decision to keep rates unchanged was expected.

    The only member of its rate-setting committee to have voted for a rate hike in May and June, David Walton, died before July's meeting.

  4. #44
    Legend peat's Avatar
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    "After a long day, an exhausted, frustrated trader is standing in front of the elevator, waiting to go home. Elevator doors open, and he sees his chief market analyst. Trader looks at him and says, 'OK, now can you tell me which way it is – up or down

  5. #45
    action-reaction arco's Avatar
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    And similarly........................

    One evening while having dinner with a fundamentalist I accidentally knocked a sharp knife off the edge of the table. He watched the knife twirl through the air, as it came to rest, with the pointed end sticking into his shoe.
    “Why didn’t you move your foot?“ I exclaimed.
    “I was waiting for it to come back up“, he replied.


    - Ed Seykota -



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  6. #46
    action-reaction arco's Avatar
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    Every forex trader should get one of these............



    [:0]



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  7. #47
    Legend peat's Avatar
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    Borat

    http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/0,2106,...9a1860,00.html

    ok so its not really clean , but its bloody funny
    looking forward to his movie too.

  8. #48
    action-reaction arco's Avatar
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    A man calls his fx dealer all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Close all my positions, everything fast, right away."

    The fx dealer tries to talk to the man but the man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."

    "Yes, go on," the FX dealer says.

    "Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the GBP crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the FX market and always leave all our money under the mattress."

    "Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because you are losing."

    "No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."

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  9. #49
    action-reaction arco's Avatar
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    THE CHANGING FACE OF CAPITALISM


    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
    * You have two cows.
    * You sell one and buy a bull.
    * Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
    * You sell them and retire on the income.

    AMERICAN CAPITALISM (or Enro-capitalism):
    * You have two cows.
    * You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy influence with a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows.
    * You sell one, accept an LAW tax promised credit payable in 4 year's time, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
    * You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows.
    * You go on strike because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows.
    * You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk
    * You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows.
    * You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows.
    * Both are mad.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
    * You break for lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows.
    * You count them and learn you have five cows.
    * You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    * You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
    * You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION:
    * You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
    * You charge others for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows.
    * You have 300 people milking them.
    * You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows.
    * That one on the left is kinda cute...

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  10. #50
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    What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?.....the 1993 hide and go seek winner.

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