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  1. #11
    Senior Member
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    [8D]

  2. #12
    Legend peat's Avatar
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    A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a
    brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver,
    a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and
    YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you
    exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you
    give me a calf?"

    The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
    peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
    connects it to his AT&T cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the
    Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to
    get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another
    NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
    photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
    and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
    image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a
    MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
    hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an
    email on his Blackberry, and after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
    miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy
    and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says
    the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and
    looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
    what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man
    thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a consultant." says the cowboy.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here
    even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer
    I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know
    anything about my business. Now give me back my DOG."

  3. #13
    Legend peat's Avatar
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    did you hear about the new games show on tv soon
    called "Game of two and a half ounces"

  4. #14
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    >> > >>>We always hear"the rules"from the female point of view... Now here
    >> are
    >> > >>>the rules from the male side.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON
    >> > >>>PURPOSE!
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
    >> put
    >> it
    >> > >>>down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
    >> complaining
    >> > >>>about you leaving it down.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
    >> tides.
    >> > >>>Let it be.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
    >> it
    >> > >>>that way.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Crying is blackmail.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
    >> do
    >> > >>>not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just
    >> say
    >> > >>>it!
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every
    >> question.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it.
    >> That's
    >> > >>>what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
    >> fact,
    >> > >>>all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
    >> Expect
    >> us
    >> > >>>to act like soap opera guys.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
    >> ways
    >> > >>>makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it
    >> done.
    >> > >>>Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
    >> yourself.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
    >> > >>>commercials.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    >> Peach,
    >> > >>>for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
    >> have no
    >> > >>>idea what mauve is.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask
    >> what
    >> is
    >> > >>>wrong and you say "nothing," ! We will act like nothing's wrong. We
    >> know
    >> > >>>you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an
    >> answer
    >> > >>>you don't want to hear.
    >> > >>>
    >> > &gt

  5. #15
    Senior Member slam's Avatar
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    Christchurch, , New Zealand.
    Posts
    569

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    Why Help Never Arrived


  6. #16
    action-reaction arco's Avatar
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    Food label 1.







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  7. #17
    Legend peat's Avatar
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    Max just annnounced three weeks holiday so no updates today
    thats pretty funny from where I stand so I put it in this thread
    (unbelievable)

  8. #18
    action-reaction arco's Avatar
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    Morning Peat

    Amazing is all I can say.

    His Quote. My standard subscription fee for individuals
    is US$190 per month which hundreds of people the world-over
    pay me


    So,lets work it out.

    Say 300 punters worlwide paying $190 pm = $57,000 pm

    Any need to trade? Perhaps not.







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  9. #19
    Guru Xerof's Avatar
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    Hehe, I thought that would make your day Peat[B)][B)]

  10. #20
    action-reaction arco's Avatar
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    Those who can, do; those who can't, <s>teach</s> sell signals

    --George Bernard Shaw--







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