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  1. #41
    Guru Xerof's Avatar
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    A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Madam, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

  2. #42
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    More despatches from the London lads - must be bored too...

    One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
    toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
    catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

    He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it
    in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

    As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
    with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
    The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

    Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
    The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."



  3. #43
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    The Bank of England decision to keep rates unchanged was expected.

    The only member of its rate-setting committee to have voted for a rate hike in May and June, David Walton, died before July's meeting.

  4. #44
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    "After a long day, an exhausted, frustrated trader is standing in front of the elevator, waiting to go home. Elevator doors open, and he sees his chief market analyst. Trader looks at him and says, 'OK, now can you tell me which way it is – up or down

  5. #45
    action-reaction arco's Avatar
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    And similarly........................

    One evening while having dinner with a fundamentalist I accidentally knocked a sharp knife off the edge of the table. He watched the knife twirl through the air, as it came to rest, with the pointed end sticking into his shoe.
    “Why didn’t you move your foot?“ I exclaimed.
    “I was waiting for it to come back up“, he replied.


    - Ed Seykota -



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  6. #46
    action-reaction arco's Avatar
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    Every forex trader should get one of these............



    [:0]



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  7. #47
    Legend peat's Avatar
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    Borat

    http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/0,2106,...9a1860,00.html

    ok so its not really clean , but its bloody funny
    looking forward to his movie too.

  8. #48
    action-reaction arco's Avatar
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    A man calls his fx dealer all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Close all my positions, everything fast, right away."

    The fx dealer tries to talk to the man but the man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."

    "Yes, go on," the FX dealer says.

    "Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the GBP crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the FX market and always leave all our money under the mattress."

    "Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because you are losing."

    "No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."

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  9. #49
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    THE CHANGING FACE OF CAPITALISM


    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
    * You have two cows.
    * You sell one and buy a bull.
    * Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
    * You sell them and retire on the income.

    AMERICAN CAPITALISM (or Enro-capitalism):
    * You have two cows.
    * You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy influence with a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows.
    * You sell one, accept an LAW tax promised credit payable in 4 year's time, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
    * You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows.
    * You go on strike because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows.
    * You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk
    * You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows.
    * You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows.
    * Both are mad.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
    * You break for lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows.
    * You count them and learn you have five cows.
    * You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    * You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
    * You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION:
    * You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
    * You charge others for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows.
    * You have 300 people milking them.
    * You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
    * You have two cows.
    * That one on the left is kinda cute...

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  10. #50
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    What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?.....the 1993 hide and go seek winner.

  11. #51
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    Nice one Miner

    ___________________________________________

    Not a joke - but interesting nevertheless

    Types of Lurker

    Malevolent lurkers

    Some lurkers may attempt to heavily involve themselves in the administration of a moderated forum by repeatedly alerting moderators to comments which offend their political or moral point of view, but refrain from participating in the discussion directly. Some of these lurkers occasionally post comments praising moderators, usually in an effort to curry favor.

    Benign lurkers

    Most lurkers, however, are either shy, feel inadequately educated on a given topic, or are uncomfortable expressing their thoughts in written form on email lists. They enjoy reading others' posts and responses to them, but refrain from adding their own contributions. They have been known to send comments off-list, to individual posters, which are frequently positive.

    Constructive lurkers

    The constructive lurker is a person who regularly reads online forums but rarely posts. These individuals might have a high degree of sophistication within the topic of any given forum, but are unwilling to post detailed replies. Lurkers of this sort are not shy about posting. When these lurkers do post, they often provide well thought-out and detailed comment to the discussion at hand. A constructive lurker is often a veteran of several previous online discussion forums. Having been involved in many heated online discussions in the past, these lurkers often only contribute when the discussion takes a novel turn.

    Smart-Ass lurkers

    The "smart-ass lurker" is a person who watches a discussion take place, only to intervene with a derisive comment or "gotcha" comment that sends up the active participants (from a smug, detached position).

    Perverted lurkers

    The "perverted lurker" is a person who watches online discussions for the purposes of sexual arousal. They are often condemned by moderators and participants of topics such as women's issues and transsexualism, because they find their presence degrading. They may observe topics that are not prurient in and of themselves such as fashion, hair, and medical discussion boards. They may for instance, find something arousing in a discussion on breast cancer.

    Starcraft Lurker

    In the RTS game franchise StarCraft, produced by Blizzard Entertainment, lurkers are a ground unit of the zerg, one of the three playable races in the game. It possesses the unique ability of being able to attack enemy ground units while burrowed, sending out rows of spikes to impale its enemies. Without use of a detection unit, the lurker can remain hidden indefinately, attacking, and usually destroying, any enemy unit that wanders past. The lurker unit was added to gameplay in the Brood War expansion pack.

    wikipedia

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  12. #52
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    did someone mention Starcraft? [8D]
    The three most dreaded words in the English language.
    "Nuclear Launch Detected"

  13. #53
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    Very funny.......

    Robber shot accomplice in bread roll heist

    TWO people have pleaded guilty over an armed robbery where one of the crooks was accidentally shot by his accomplice as the pair attempted to steal a bag of bread rolls.

    Benjamin Jorgensen, 37, of Brooklyn, and Donna Hayes, 36, of Belgrave, today pleaded guilty at Melbourne Magistrates Court over the bungled robbery at the Cuckoo Restaurant in Olinda in Melbourne's outer east on April 1 this year.

    They planned the robbery after Hayes was tipped off by an unnamed person that the manager of the restaurant would have at least $30,000 in a plastic bag at the end of the shift, according to a police summary tendered to the court.

    As the manager left the restaurant after midnight carrying a plastic bag, Jorgensen pointed a loaded sawn-off shotgun at him and demanded he hand over the bag.

    Jorgensen then accidentally discharged the firearm as his accomplice ran up to him from behind, shooting her in the left hip.

    In another twist to the saga, instead of $30,000, the bag contained $5 worth of bread rolls.

    The pair – who were previously a couple and have two children – pleaded guilty to one count of armed robbery and Jorgensen also pleaded guilty to negligently causing injury.

    They appeared in court by video-link and Magistrate Peter Reardon remanded them in custody for a plea hearing at the Victorian County Court in November.

    http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/s...-29277,00.html



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  14. #54
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    Wee mistake lands maid in jail

    July 25, 2007 02:42pm
    Article from: Reuters

    AN Indonesian maid has been jailed for six days in Hong Kong for serving her boss a cup of water containing urine..

    The 29-year-old pleaded guilty to a charge of "administering poison or other destructive or noxious substance with intent to injure", but insisted she had used the urine to treat a skin condition and its appearance in her employer's cup was a mistake.

    Her boss, Szeto Ching-han, smelled the urine after asking for a cup of water, and then asked the maid to drink it - which she did.

    Mr Szeto, however, kept the liquid to have it tested in a lab, the South China Morning Post said.

    The defence argued that the maid's employer had not drunk the urine and the substance was not poisonous.

    "The only contact the former employer had with the so-called poisonous mixture was the smell," her lawyer was quoted as telling the court.

    The magistrate who heard the case said there was no evidence that the maid had suffered any harm after drinking from the cup, but still gave her a six-day jail sentence, saying the court "must send a message to the public".

    Maids from the Philippines, Indonesia and Sri Lanka are often the subject of court cases in richer neighbours such as Hong Kong and Singapore, but usually as the victims of rape or other abuse by their employers.

    http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599...rom=public_rss
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  15. #55
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    Car made of vegetables hits 240km/h

    By David Wilkes in London July 27, 2007
    Article from: Herald Sun


    THE tyres are made of potatoes and the brake pads from ground cashew shells.

    http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599...rom=public_rss

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  16. #56
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    A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

    "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

    The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

    "You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

    "I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"

    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

    The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault.

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  17. #57
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    From Times Online
    August 15, 2007
    The world's strangest laws

    Did you know it's illegal in France to name a pig Napoleon? Or that in Ohio you're not allowed to get a fish drunk? Alex Wade celebrates the spirit of the silly season with a list of the world's most ridiculous laws

    25. It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses.

    24. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.

    23. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.

    22. In France, it is forbidden to call a pig Napoleon.

    21. Under the UK’s Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you don’t want him to know, though you don’t have to tell him anything you don’t mind him knowing.

    20. In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.

    19. In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.

    18. Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.

    17. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants – even, if she so requests, in a policeman’s helmet.

    16. In Lancashire, no person is permitted after being asked to stop by a constable on the seashore to incite a dog to bark.

    15. In Miami, Florida, it is illegal to skateboard in a police station.

    14. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.

    13. In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day.

    12. In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll; they are also allowed to drive geese down Cheapside.

    11. In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.

    10. In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle.

    9. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.

    8. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long.

    7. In Chester, Welshmen are banned from entering the city before sunrise and from staying after sunset.

    6. In the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

    5. In Boulder, Colorado, it is illegal to kill a bird within the city limits and also to “own” a pet – the town’s citizens, legally speaking, are merely “pet minders”.

    4. In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

    3. In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague.

    2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination; he may only see their reflection in a mirror.

    1. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast is legally the property of the King; the tail, on the other hand, belongs to the Queen - in case she needs the bones for her corset.

    With thanks to: Donald Stewart at Faegre & Benson; John Barnett at Burges Salmon; Robert Crossley at Walker Morris; James Odds at Matthew Arnold & Baldwin; and Dan Kieran, author of I Fought The Law (Bantam Press).

    http://business.timesonline.co.uk/to...cle2251280.ece
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  18. #58
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    Default Walking the dog

    A little girl asked her Mum, “Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mum replies, "No, because she is on heat." What does that mean?" asked the child. Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

    The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat and to come to you."

    Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

    The little girl said..... "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block so another dog is pushing her home."
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  19. #59
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    Default Do you have GUTS or BALLS

    We've all heard about people having 'guts' or 'balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

    In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

    GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, and being met by the wife, with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

    BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on her buttocks and having the balls to say: "You're next."
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  20. #60
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