Clean Jokes for Bored FX traders

[Hoop]

That's When the Fight Started

My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No." she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "....Then I'd like to phone a friend...."

And that's when the fight started....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that’s when the fight started ..

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap'
That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that’s when the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Bud Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s when the fight started....

A woman was standing nude,looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that’s when the fight started.....

I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And that’s when the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,

and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that’s when the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'

and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that’s when the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
And that’s when the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.
And that’s when the fight started...

[arco]

Woman held for noisy sex 'breach'

A woman has been remanded in custody accused of breaching an Asbo banning her from being noisy during sex.

Neighbours complained of hearing Caroline Cartwright, 48, groaning and her bed banging against the wall at her home in Washington, Wearside.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/e...ar/8021185.stm

[Jay]

A guy wakes up in the morning at home with a cracking headache and a black eye and remembers nothing of the night before. He sees a glass of water on the side of the table with a couple of Panadols and a nice note telling him food is waiting in the kitchen, he is a little confused. He cannot remember a thing of how he got home and his wife is not around. He gets up and walks through the house, everything is spotless and tidy. Sure enough there is the kitchen is the perfect hangover breakfast. He sees his son and asks him what happened last night. The son says, well you arrived home at 3am drunk as could be, you tripped over the carpet and smashed the coffee table and mom's favourite vase. The guy is now completely confused as to why his wife is being so nice. The son says, then mom took you off to bed and when she tried to pull of your pants you screamed "leave me alone #$%@, I'm married".

[peat]

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[shasta]

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?

LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How many kids with OCD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, repeatedly

Definitely 12 times, yeah definitely 12 times

[CAM]

The newspaper, "The Australian," over a period of
weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn.
This was the winner:

Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"
"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah .. and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"

[peat]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,

Well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

"I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

[arco]

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'.

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. The wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

[arco]

Here......................

[arco]

A couple went to the sex therapists office at the Apollo Hospital.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them Rs.300.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house.
Cinnamon Grand charges Rs. 10,000, Taj charges Rs.7 ,000, Galadari charges Rs.6000. We do it here for Rs.300 and I get that back from Medical Claim.

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