Clean Jokes for Bored FX traders

[Dr_Who]

My God, she has had her nipples surgically removed!

It takes a real chartist to notice she didnt have nipples... ROFL

Why have nipples when you cant breast feed after a boob job?

[arco]

The chick in the middle looks hot.

Underneath that black outer casing they wear some pretty sexy gear.

[miner]

Each to there own,some guys go berkers over chicks wearing this gear.

[sharer]

Each to there own,some guys go berkers over chicks wearing this gear.

How many guys actually wear them d'ya reckon?

[Hoop]

THESE ARE ACTUAL QUOTES TAKEN FROM FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.

1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7) "This young lady has delusions ofadequacy."

8) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12) "A gross ignoramus....144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15) "He's been working with glue too much."

16) "He would argue with a signpost."

17) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22) "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."

23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.."

24) 'He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28) "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."

29) "One neuron short of a synapse."

30) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31) "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'."

32) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

[miner]

Who cares?



HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO Supermarket

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping. This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray,

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the
Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering
banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by
our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calorgas
stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8... October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were.

10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look'
using different size funnels.

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled'
PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, assumed
the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

[peat]

18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

shorting your own IQ

[Hoop]

A lawyer and a Maori are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that Maoris are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the Maori would like to play a fun game.

The Maori is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500" he says.

This catches the Maoris attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The Maori reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer without saying a word.

Now, it's the Maori's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Maori and hands him $500. The Maori pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes up the Maori and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Maori reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[dartMonkey]

I hope this doesn't infringe the thread title ...

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure
called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the
woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the
effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the
effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to
turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them..'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

[arco]

Pammy-versus-the-Possum

You just never know what might turn up on One Tree Hill



http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/fa...sus-the-Possum