Clean Jokes for Bored FX traders

[dragonz]

A jock strap?
http://dazeddigital.com/ArtsAndCultu...ated_Jockstrap

Sad really. I think if I had the choice between a jock strap, come face mask, or death from a biologigal weapon, i'd choose death every time.

[fungus pudding]

Dave is gay.




Dave goes to the doc to have tests done.



Doc comes back & says sorry, I cant beat around the bush, but you have aids.

Dave says **** doc what can I do ?

Doc says go home and eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 peeled carrots,10 jalapeno chillis, 40 walnuts, and half a box of bran, then top it off with 1 gallon of prune juice.

Dave gobsmacked says will that save me ?

Doc says no, but it will give you a better understanding of what your arse is for!!!!!

Bloke goes to the doctor for check up. Half way through examination Doctor jumps suddenly to the other side of the room.

'Good heavens Mr Smith. You've got that new highly contagious disease called shag.'
'Shag?' says Smith.
'Yes - shag. It's a combination of syphilis, herpes and gonorrhea''
'What can you do for that Doc?' asks Smith.
'Well - first thing is we put you on a diet of pizza and flounder', says the Doctor.
'And will that cure me?' Smith asks.
'No' says the Doctor 'there's no cure, but there the only things we can slide under the door.

[Kees]

Subject: Ahmed the Arab.










Ahmed the Arab came to the U.K.from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, **** in de bocket, piss on de ****, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.



Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, **** in the bucket, pissed on the ****, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'
The doctor said, 'You were homesick ..

[Ponda]

I just stole this from another site. Couldn't stop laughing and just had to share the love. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did


__________________________________________________ ___________



Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for ..the wife...or...a Smyth?
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest...

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety......??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home, loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave...

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . ... WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had messed my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

[peat]

whats the difference between tiger woods and santa







































santa stops at 3 ho's

[Hoop]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.


When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.


The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'


Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..... How soon can I go home?'

[arco]

.
Not sure if this is what they mean when they say 'he packed his trunk'

[sharpeye]

A lady was walking down highstreet with a walking stick in both hands, shaking quite badly with both legs and arms. She came to the Jewellers shop and muttered "no"!, staggered to the next shop, again muttered "no"! then on seeing the Maritial Aids Shop, staggers up to the counter and asks the saleman, " Do you sell the vibrators that take six D size super long lasting batteries?" "Yes," the salesman quickley replies. "Well, How Do You Turn It OFF?"

[Jay]

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied ''Bejazus! Are yez' stupid? Oi was told mi password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''

[STRAT]

The National Bank add at the top of Share Tader with the Aston Martin and the kid. Yup that surely belongs in this thread