Clean Jokes for Bored FX traders

[arco]

A woman walks into the Mangere Social Welfare Office, trailed by 15 kids.
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?"
"Yes they are all mine," the flustered Mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Rangi."
All the children rush to find seats.
Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest; he is Rangi."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one, he is Rangi, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Rangi. Then
she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Rangi!
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are
they ALL named Rangi?"
Their Mother replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time
to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Rangi!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Rangi!' an' they all
come running.
An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just
yell Rangi' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever
had, namin' them all Rangi."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Then I call them by their last names."

[arco]

[arco]

Negligent homicide charges have been dropped against a former Lake Jackson woman who had been accused of killing her husband with a sherry enema that led to alcohol poisoning.

Court records show the charge against Tammy Jean Warner, 45, of Texas City, was dismissed Aug. 31 because of insufficient evidence, the Houston Chronicle reported in its online edition Wednesday.

Michael Warner, 58, died May 21, 2004. An autopsy showed he had been given an enema with enough sherry to have a blood alcohol level of 0.47 percent, almost six times the legal limit of .08 percent in Texas.

Tammy Warner has told the newspaper that her husband was addicted to enemas and often used alcohol in them to get drunk.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/articl...L&type=bondage

[peat]

yeh saw that the other day, crazy stuff
guess its one way to cope with 'nil by mouth'!

[peat]

From another forum
A chick wanting to get married wrote.....


What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810


THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.

Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said, here's how I see it.Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So, in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout. By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.Classic "pump and dump."

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.
__________________________________________
Timo Weiland
Deutsche Bank Securities, Inc.
Global Investment Banking | TMT Group
60 Wall Street | 43rd floor | Mail Stop: NYC60-4310
New York, NY 10005
mobile: +1 (904) 333-2020
office: +1 (212) 250-8367
facsimile: +1 (212) 797-4347
email:
timothy-robert.weiland@db.com <mailto:timothy-robert.weiland@db.com

[peat]

What's the difference between the All Blacks and a teabag?


























The teabag stays in the cup longer...

[arco]

Nice one Peat..................

and on a lighter note..........the new arm of the law........no BS

[dumbass]

difference between cinderella and the all blacks ????
























cinderella got to the ball

[arco]

One day an out of work mime artist is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime artist that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime artist a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tyres.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime artist a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime artist keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime artist is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime artist is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime artist starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime artist soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

[arco]

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular
soap".

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion:
Defrost".

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not
turn upside down".

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot
after heating".

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on
body".

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or
operate machinery after taking this medication".

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness.."


On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or
outdoor use only".

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the
other use."

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions:
Open packet, eat nuts".

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment
does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain
with your hands or genitals.